Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Microwave Caramels, found over at Food.com. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post.
You know? Just… you know? You see a recipe, and you think “Hey, I like caramels! This looks easy! I’ll see if Nance wants to make them!” and then Nance is all “I didn’t even bother to look at the recipe, sure, sounds good, WHATEVER” and off we go.
I’m pretty sure this can all be blamed on Nance for not saying “Are you out of your goddamn mind, idiot?”
YOUR FAULT, NANCE.
So, yes. To recap: I saw the recipe, I had some sort of aneurysm that made me think it would be a good idea to give that motherfucker a try, and then Nance approved. Nance’s fault. JUST SAYIN’.
Ingredients: half a cup each of brown sugar, white sugar, sweetened condensed milk, corn syrup, and 1/4 cup of butter. The recipe didn’t state whether the butter should be melted first, so after extensive consultation with Fred, I decided to melt it.
That’s probably where it all went wrong.
Mix everything together in a microwave-safe bowl
Microwave that shit for 6 minutes, stirring after every 2 minutes. I took no pictures of this part. Y’all just use your imagination.
When the six minutes is up, pour that hot hot hot stuff into a buttered dish. The recipe didn’t indicate the size of the dish (SLOPPY RECIPE) so I used my 8×8 Pyrex. Which I buttered the SHIT out of. There was a ton of butter coating the inside of that dish, believe me. I know I’ve covered my hatred of things sticking to things. (FORESHADOWING.)
Cool the hell out of that stuff. I let it cool on the counter for six hours, and then I put it in the fridge for another couple of hours. And then I tried to get it out of the dish.
I tried a little piece of it, and the flavor was good, but it was so fucking sticky I had to scrape it off my teeth with a butter knife.
This is the part where, while having a temper tantrum, I almost tossed the whole goddamn dish in the trash. But I like that dish – it’s so HANDY – that I scraped the dish clean(ish), tossed the shitheap of sticky fucking caramel in the trash, and let the dishwasher clean the dish the rest of the way.
I’ll just buy my damn caramels at the grocery store. Hmph.
(If you point out that caramel is supposed to be sticky, I will hunt you down and set fire to your car. Yes, caramels are sticky. NOT THAT STICKY.)
This quick and easy recipe actually took me 3 days to make.
On the first day, I laid everything out to start making it when my son, Alex, called. By the time I got off the phone, I had to put everything away because it was time for bed. I thought I would make it quickly on Wednesday morning, write about it, and have a post up by Wednesday afternoon. I had a plan.
On Wednesday, I laid everything out again to make it when my aunt called. Next thing you know, Shirley and I were making a mad dash to clean up the house because hello, we’re getting a visit from the family! I ended up emailing Robyn from my late afternoon doctor’s appointment (I just made it there in time!) to tell her that I was not going to have an entry up until much later that evening. She covered my ass with her sweet potato casserole and said to just post the entry on Friday. I may be stupid about some things, but I sure know how to pick good friends (aka: procrastination enablers)!
Felina does not approve of these shenanigans.
On Thursday I got everything out again, decided that I was going to make a double batch and dumped it all in the bowl. I had been having problems with my left ear and it picked this exact time to get the best of me. I walked the hell away from everything so I could put a heated pad over my ear for some relief. That’s when Shirley stepped in and took over while Rick snapped pictures. Which is why there aren’t many pictures of this process. Ahem.
Since I doubled the recipe, Shirley doubled the time in the microwave. It took 12 minutes, with stirring at 2 minute intervals. Not bad.
I covered an old cookie sheet with foil and buttered the hell out of it. I also keep butter in the refrigerator just for buttering dishes. It’s handy. Robyn does it. Everybody does it. Well, maybe not Amanda. But she should. And could. If she really wanted to. But there isn’t much of a recipe to it. You just throw what you don’t use in the refrigerator so you have it for buttering dishes. See, not much of a recipe at all. I’m probably going to get the Official Seal of Non-Approval by Amanda now. Sigh.
We covered the top with plastic wrap and left it in the refrigerator overnight because it was taking forever to harden up. This is the next day. Some people (Shirley!) cannot leave well enough alone. She picked and picked at it and that’s why it is missing a huge chunk and the foil is ripped up.
I put parchment paper over the top and flipped it over on to the counter (the plastic wrap had been taken off and thrown away by my impatient mother-know my pain) and I was out of wax paper.
The buttered foil peeled away easily.
We had no idea what type of utensil to use to cut this with. I was the one that picked the pizza cutter. All of them were a pain in the ass. Caramel is sticky. Go figure.
I decided I was going to wrap these in parchment paper since I was out of wax paper and had no interest in going to the grocery store.
There’s a reason I never rolled my own joints (marijuana, Mom) in high school.
This big ol’ knife worked pretty good. On the right side you can see where I told Rick to sprinkle some sea salt because I wanted to try salted caramels. Um, yeah. Apparently Rick thought I was trying to cure a ham. Maybe next time.
My mother was cutting while I was wrapping (the pizza cutter ended up working well for us). She was just tossing that shit over at me and working my last nerve because it was a sticky mess to deal with. Look at what she did up there. Right on the edge of the plastic wrap. Grr! I can only assume that wax paper would have been the way to go, but dammit, I said I was NOT going to the grocery store!
Felina inspects Shirley’s wrapping technique.
As usual, she’s willing to take one for the team. That’s her long ass tongue on the left side of my thumb. She’s the Gene Simmons (KISS) of the chihuahua world. She’s such a rock star! And also an artist (Van Gogh). Where’s your other ear, Felina?
Sadie also gave it a shot. They both found it to be quite tasty.
We all really liked it, but it was a pain in the ass to work with.
It’s a quick and easy recipe just like it says. My mom did stir in a few teaspoons of vanilla right before she poured it out on the cookie sheet. The next time I make it I’ll double the recipe, but I think I’ll use a 9 x 13
pain pan so that it’s a little bit thicker. And I’m hoping you guys have some good cutting and wrapping techniques for me because I didn’t have a clue!
- ¼ cup butter
- ½ cup white sugar
- ½ cup brown sugar
- ½ cup light Karo syrup
- ½ cup sweetened condensed milk
- Mix all ingredients in a microwave-safe bowl.
- Microwave on high for six minutes, stirring every two minutes.
- Stir and pour into a well greased dish (Robyn used an 8x8 Pyrex)
- Let cool.
- Cut, wrap in wax paper (good fucking luck with that), and store in an airtight container.