Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe is a favorite of both Nance and I – and we each have our own version. Nance thinks hers is the best, but she’s obviously nuts because Robyn’s is the best. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post.
I don’t know where I found this recipe, but one thing is certain: I’ve changed it enough over time to make it ALL MINE. I should copyright it. Hell, I should get some sort of award for this easy, versatile, EASY, tasty, EASY EASY AND DID I MENTION EASY recipe. So I’m copyrighting it and I’m trademarking it and I’m attaching the baddest of the bad-ass kittens to it, so that if you DARE to serve it without giving credit to ME, this kitten will track you down and kick your ass.
“Motherfucker, I not messing. I fuck you UP. You see these claws?”
Do we understand each other? Yeah, yeah, TRY to act all nonchalant. You know you’re scared.
Okay, then. Moving on.
That’s goddamn right: I got all FANCY BITCH on your ass. I got the NAME BRAND Ritz crackers, and if that wasn’t enough, I got the Cracker Barrel brand SUPER sharp white cheddar. But if you’re a cheap motherfucker (as I usually am; I just wanted to impress you this time around. Store brand shit for the next recipe, I promise.) you can go with the store brand crackers and cheese. Or if Ritzeseses are not your preferred cracker, use whatever cracker you prefer. Are you one of those Triscuit-loving hippies? Get you some Triscuits. Do I look like I care?
So get your crackers. And your cheese. Open the box of crackers. Take out a sleeve of crackers, open the sleeve, and place your crackers on the serving plate of your choice. I’m just going with a simple Fiesta dinner plate here, because I was such a fancy bitch with the fancy crackers and cheese that I didn’t want you to think I was a TOTAL hoity-toit.
IMPORTANT: Place your crackers carefully on the plate, one by one. If a few of them don’t make it all the way to the plate because you’ve crammed them in your face, well, I’m not telling anyone.
ACTION SHOT: Crackers, being placed on plate!
You can use more than one plate, and you can use as many crackers as you have cheese for. It’s your party, not mine. But keep this in mind: I recommend AT LEAST seven crackers with cheese per person. It won’t be enough, everyone will wish they had more, but leave ’em wanting more is what I say.
Now. Remove your cheese from its wrapper. Cut cheese approximately 1/8″ – 1/4″ thick. This is a FORGIVING recipe and it’s – perhaps I mentioned? – EASY, so if you cut your cheese (snicker) a little too thick or too thin, it’s OKAY. The cops aren’t going to bust down your door and arrest you for cutting the cheese (snort) too thickly or too thinly. Cutting the cheese (titter) to your preferred thickness is one of your inalienable rights – it is IN THE CONSTITUTION right below the right to snorgle kitten bellies when they are presented to you –
“CAREFUL snorgleation must be performed or I MESS YOU UP.”
so GIRRRRRRL, you cut that damn cheese (chuckle) however you want.
Continue cutting the cheese (giggle) until you have one slice of cheese for each cracker.
NOW. This is VERY important. I was smart and thought ahead, and bought the cheese that’s the perfect height and width to fit upon my crackers. If you were dumb, and you bought the cheese that’s too tall, then you’re going to have to trim the cheese to fit your crackers. You’re on your own there, dummy. I GUESS NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK AHEAD.
Okay, once you have a slice of cheese for each cracker (important tip: if you have too many slices, eat the extra slices. If you don’t have enough, cut some more slices. I know, right? So obvious, and yet you never would have known if I hadn’t just told you! How the hell do you get dressed in the morning without me here to give you instructions?), place one – ONE – slice of cheese upon each cracker.
I’m sorry, do you SEE how perfectly I did that? Have you ever seen such perfection in your entire life?
To recap: ONE slice of cheese PER CRACKER. Not HALF a slice per cracker. Not THREE slices per cracker. ONE.
Look, I know you’re blown away by this recipe. So simple and yet so complicated. You’re wondering to yourself, “HOW did she come up with this AMAZING recipe? BRILLIANT!” And yes, so brilliant. So simple. So complicated. I am a genius.
I know you’re probably also saying to yourself “Cheese on crackers is such an AMAZING taste sensation. I wonder if I could improve upon it?”
You cannot. You might be TEMPTED to. If you are MY HUSBAND, you’re probably already thinking wildly about ways to improve upon this recipe. “I’ll add slices of pepperoni! I’ll add a sprinkle of onion! Garlic powder! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER.”
RESIST. Because unless you follow this recipe exactly as instructed, it is JUST WRONG, and I will send out The Enforcer to take care of you, post-haste.
Also, if you’ve made your cheese and crackers, you might be tempted to start eating them immediately. You are HUNGRY, and making this delicious delicacy was ARDUOUS, but nay. Eating has to wait: first, you’ve got to clean up your mess.
Scrunch the end of the cracker wrapper together. You could even tie a twist tie around if you want to, but let’s not get crazy.
Put the partial sleeve of crackers back in the box.
And then put the box away.
For the cheese, a sandwich bag will do. Plastic wrap would work as well, but let’s not get all crazy up in this kitchen. Make sure you label the cheese so that you know exactly what you’ve got. Put it in the cheese drawer of the fridge so that you can make this wonderful and amazing recipe again, the sooner the better.
Now take your plate of cheese and crackers, sit down, and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You deserve it!
And remember: You follow this recipe exactly, it’ll be an instant favorite. Everyone will request the DCEP Crackers and Cheese at EVERY gathering. But if you deviate from the recipe even one tiny little iota…
“De Enforcer will mess you up for reals, motherfuckers.”
- Crackers (I prefer Ritz; you use whatever you want)
- Cheese (I like sharp cheddar. Go with what you prefer, weirdo.)
- Cut cheese. Put on cracker. Eat.
- Happy April 1st, Fools.
I love you guys.
Traci beat me to it. Yes. I love you guys. So awesome.
Thanks for the laugh and Happy Monday!
We had your world famous cheese and cracker recipe as part of our fancy-schmanzy Easter yesterday! I will let the family know of your copyright so Jareth doesn’t have to come mess me up.
Okay, you fooled me but still made me hungry for cheese and crackers!
all I could think of was “boy, Amanda is not going to like this one”
oh Jackie — I was thinking the exact same thing!
Amanda-baiting is my new favorite pastime. 🙂
Reading your Amanda-baiting recipes is MY new favorite pastime. 🙂
Can someone point me to an Amanda post? I keep seeing references to this chick but have never seen any of her comments.
Amanda did not appreciate one of Robyn’s entries and felt that we all needed to note her disapproval.
You should probably read all of the comments so you can see how it took on a life of its own. God bless Amanda. I cannot imagine how we all survived without people like her. 😉
Sooner or later, we’re going to demand a separate blog dedicated to Amanda baiting. I’ll admit that I look for it in every single post here.
I”m just bummed that we didn’t get the Nance version!
Since this wasn’t a “serious” entry I actually read what Robyn had uploaded before I started writing mine. I laughed so hard and knew anything I would write would just take away from it so I didn’t bother. Robyn most definitely blew it out of the water. 🙂
But for the record: I like my cheese on saltine crackers.
You are a rebel Nance !!!!!!
I know, right?
Somebody has to stand up for the little people. That Robyn is an uppity one.
Yeah but Nance we need YOUR recipe! “Cheese on Saltines”? Seriously?
How the f*ck am I going to make that??!? 😉
Well, I’m fucked. Our Ritz crackers don’t come in sleeves. I’m bummed I won’t be able to make this recipe. Stupid Ritz mother fucking crackers.
What do your Ritz crackers come in if they don’t come in sleeves? Where are you from? Are you a…gulp…martian? I cannot imagine a cracker not coming in a sleeve and now I’m scared of this whole new world I don’t know about! 😉
They come in tank tops.
Ha! I guess it’s better than a blouse.
Or a tube top. 🙂
But I really should have written “tube tops,” in honor of you-know-who. Or perhaps the epithet “big girl’s blouse”…
They’re all loose in the bag, mingling about. Soda crackers (saltines?) come in sleeves, and a few other snack crackers, but Ritz do not. I’m in Alberta, Canada…close to Mars, but with more oil…HA!!
I love when you guys feed that particular troll! 🙂 I hope she likes DCEP Cheese & Crackers – I bet she needs a bit of WHINE to go with it though! (See what I did there?!).
Love you guys. (And The Enforcer – he’s ADORABLE!)
Thank you so much for the action shots of putting the crackers on the plate, and then placing the cheese on the crackers. I don’t think I could have made this recipe without them.
(Love you guys!)
I live to serve, you know. 😉
Could I used the pre sliced cheese in this recipe??
If you MUST – but The Enforcer is not very pleased with this idea, let me warn you.
I had no idea they made these! Are they for those kind of people who are not allowed sharp objects? Do they serve these in prison? OMG, I need to know the whys and hows of pre-cutting the cheese!
Guys, I make the exact same thing, except I use swiss cheese, and either Triskets or saltines. Also, the “closing the cracker sleeve” can be touch and go.
That photo of Felina (to steal a phrase from Robyn) Kilt Me Dead!
That’s Felina’s serious face. She gets that look if someone argues or yells. It gets loud when everyone is home for the holiday so she was concerned. 😉
Delurking to say……Damn you! All I’ve thought about all morning is lovely cheese and freaking crackers. Your motherfucking sharp cheese labeling reminds me of how I used to write things like “big ass rib roast” “mutha butt load o’ steak” “RIP Cal” (Cal was our cat that went missing) on my mother’s freezer meat stockade. I’d be grounded for weeks afterwards but it never stopped me.
RIP CAL! Oh my god, your poor mother. (But also, that made me LOL. You’re my kinda warped!)
I deserved the beatings I was given as a child. By the way, Nance and I must be from the same neck of Pennsylvania because we have the same Polish pottery and my mother also wore tube tops. Go figure.
She really only left the one comment, but it’s taken on a life of its own! (I think it would be especially funny if she never came back to the site after she left that comment!)
Bless your heart (and I don’t mean that in the snarky way Robyn from the south would say it, ahem) if you’re from my neck of the woods because they call it Pennsyltucky over here and it (sadly) fits.
And OHMYHELL, I love the fact that your mother wore tube tops. Go team Polish Pennsylvania! Hee!
RIP Cal is now going on all my frozen meat packages.
I should mention that I’m Korean (adopted into a Caucasian family) so everyone who saw that really raised an eyebrow. In the meantime it was just deer meat left over from hunting season.
SNORT!!! Too funny. I too am going to get creative on the freezer meat labeling! Will make putting the freaking groceries away that much more fun.
Easy? That’s too fucking complicated. Why don’t y’all put up a recipe we all can make?? Geesh! (Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all!)
Yeah, what’s all that slicing cheese about? I’m going to use Connie’s idea. I ain’t skeered of The Enforcer!
Look, you can USE the pre-sliced cheese if you want to. It’s just not going to be as good. You can’t be blaming me if your result is sub-standard.
Oh, you just know they’re going to be blaming you. Wah, wah, wah, these crackers and cheese aren’t that great. Damn Robyn doesn’t know anything. It’s all DCEP’s fault! It will never be that nobody should cut anybody else’s cheese. That’s just WEIRD.
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh how I hope Amanda sees this!
Oh, this made my day! Thank you so much for the smile, I needed it!
You know what’s even easier to slice the cheese? Using a butter slicer. http://www.amazon.com/HIC-Brands-that-Cook-Butter/dp/B009J9A562/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1364839050&sr=8-3&keywords=butter+slicer i do hope The Enforcer doesn’t mind.
Oooh, I never knew there was such a thing. I’ll have The Enforcer take it under consideration!
I want. Seriously.
Just piping in to say I do love you both! That is one grumpy looking kitty!
Robyn I have to give you a giant THANKS I really need this pick me up today !!!! Please let the Enforcer I will follow the recipe to a T. Also give him a little nose boop too !!! Love him and the Royals ! Have a great day Robyn !!
I can’t thank you enough for this recipe. For years I’d bring cheese and crackers to parties only to be given dirty looks and haughty snorts of derision. Thanks to your excellent tutorial, now I realize wasn’t matching the shape of the cheese to the shape of the crackers!! I’m absolutely mortified, but at least now I know how to do it right. So if I’m ever invited to a party again, I’ll make cheese and crackers the Robin way and when everyone compliments my platter, I’ll tell them that it’s Robyn’s famous recipe.
As for Amanda, I think she’d have a problem with Connie’s method of using pre-sliced cheese (since that’s just putting two things together), but clearly “cutting the cheese” makes this a real, honest-to-god recipe that even Amanda could approve of.
I hear Amanda’s a cheese-cutter from way back.
(Also, A plus! plus! plus! plus! to this review! 🙂 )
Y’all are so twisted. I thought it was just Robyn , but now I know it’s ALL of you!
I will put pepperoni on this! So you better send the enforcer to deal with me!!!!!!! pretty please!!!
Well hell, Robyn. Are you channeling EMERIL now for god’s sake? This is VERY complicated because I would have to use a motherfucking knife. Hey, not this girl. I ain’t got no time for this fancy shit.
This is not a recipe any more than “mix together angel food cake mix and a 20-ounce can of crushed pineapple then bake,” or “stir frozen peas into your Kraft mac-n-cheese” would be. Sheesh.
The bitch tone that she just HAD to use in that comment gets me every time – I have never, ever thought of Amanda and that comment without a good chuckle.
And how bitter and ugly your life must be that you just had to do a drive-by shooting at somebody’s freaking recipe. OMG, can you imagine? My name is Amanda and I am such a bitter vagina that I must shoot bitchiness and ugly at Robyn for putting up a recipe on HER cooking blog that I do not approve of. Fear me and my general unhappiness, dammit!
Get a kitten and be happy already!
Seriously, kittens solve everything. And I’m not being sarcastic.
I’m skeptical this is really French cuisine. Although there is a Ritz Hotel in Paris (France, not Texas) so I suppose it could be. Do they cut the cheese in France? (Coupe le fromage??)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here
OMG, I’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for this recipe! My grandmother made the BEST cheese and crackers, but after she passed, I was resigned to the fact that I’d never be able to duplicate her recipe. This *looks* just like hers, so I have high hopes it’ll taste just like them, too. Running to the store for ingredients – I hope I don’t have to run all over town looking for the fancy-pants cheese!
I seldom laugh out loud when I’m on the computer. But I read this comment while checking my email and it sent me right over the goddamn edge into snort-chuckle-laugh land. I have no idea why.
OH I AM SCREAMING!!!! I can’t believe I didn’t look at DCEP yesterday, but actually I needed this more today!
And even though I knew you were using awesome name brand extra sharp white cheddar cheese, the first picture of the sliced cheese made me think Paula Deen had snuck in and put FRICKIN’ BUTTER on all of your crackers!!
Butter on a saltine cracker is my freaking version of caviar. 🙂
I LOVE butter on saltine crackers!
This would be the comments if you read “normal” food blogs:
Can I substitute salt free tree bark for the Ritz crackers?
We have allergies to both crackers and cheese could we use bread and butter?
Is your recipe Gluten Free?
You didn’t include what temperature to cook it at.
I make this recipe all the time except we dunk them in soup
I will definitely put this recipe on our weekly meal rotation .. 🙂
Is Joan trying to say that we’re not “normal”? :O
I was going to ask if you could go gluten free but Joan beat me to it. Do you think this recipe is something I could try out on my friends without trying at home first? It seems complicated and I hate to mess things up when entertaining. Last time I had friends over I screwed up the ice cubes and I am still hearing about it. Maybe I should check in with Amanda. She will know what to do.
Oops, meant to give the stars. The Enforcer will be after me for sure now. I hope. Pretty please.
While you are at it ask Amanda how to boil and egg. No seriously! Half the time (in all honesty) the yolk in mine remain runny in bits. I NEED THAT RECIPE!! Amanda??? Help?
Robyn, how would the Enforcer feel about my wildly ambitious and original notion of adding a slice of tomato to the concoction (with a spot of Maldon sea salt)? Just for very special occasions…
So no to a transparent slice of cucumber then?
Is not salad recipe. Is CHEESE and CRACKERS recipe.
Beware the wrath of the Culinary Enforcer! — how can one endure such contempt?
Y’all make me so happy! LOVE!
I’m sick of these hi-tone recipes that only an expert can make! Where’s the regular guy or gal going to go that doesn’t want to spend forever in the kitchen going to go?
OK, so I, like, totally SKIMMED the recipe and comments ’cause reading is hard, y’all. I’m confused, do I have to wear a tube top when I prepare the recipe or just when I’m serving?
It depends on whether you’re preparing it for a light afternoon tea or a fancy cocktail party. OBVIOUSLY.
What kind of TableScape goes with Cheese N Crackers?
Something bovine or farm related? Cows wearing tube tops?
I think Amanda in a tube top, laying in the middle of the table, covered in cheese on one side and crackers on the other would be the PERFECT TableScape (confession: I didn’t know what a TableScape was and had to Google.)
I think y’all are twisted beyond redemption.
I just had a brilliant idea. What if you put the crackers and cheese (TM Robyn Anderson) in the microwave and nuked them for 30 seconds? No really, I am seriously considering copying the recipe and trying this! Will let you all know how it goes. Maybe I could do a guest post on the subject? (In which I could reveal my secret ingredient…. Shhhh… A bit of fresh ground pepper to each cracker!)
You two make me howl.
Now if Nance would just get off her ass and post once in awhile I would REALLY consider the guest appearance. Seriously!!
(BTW I vote we track Amanda down for an interview. Think of the hits!!!)
And I was joking on the tracking Amanda down. Sort of.