admin | DCEP | Page 3

Sex in a Pan – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on June 24, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Sex in a Pan. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at Jo Cooks.

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was my choice. I can’t swear to it, but I think that my friend Katherine sent it to me at some point in the past, and I made a mental note to give it a try. I like pudding! I like Cool Whip! And pecans!

But before we get started, I have a truth for you – I knew going into this that there’s just no way on Earth that ANY food is better than sex. I mean, come on. If you really think that ANY food is like “sex in a pan,” then I am sad to inform you that you’re doin’ it wrong.

Your ingredients:

You’ll have to pardon the shitty pictures this week. I mean, shittier than usual pictures. I was feeling a tad scattered and disorganized, and I just wanted to get this stuff thrown together and get it over with. Which, honestly, is how I usually feel when it comes to cooking anything at all – get that shit made, so I can start stuffing it in my face.

Ingredients include flour, sugar, powdered sugar, cream cheese, Cool Whip, butter, chopped pecans, chocolate and vanilla pudding mixes, and milk to mix them with. Did I forget anything? I think that’s it. Don’t make me go look at the recipe, y’all. I’m too lazy for that shit.

First step, throw your pecans, butter, sugar, and flour into a mixer and mix it together.

The recipe didn’t state that the butter should be softened, so I didn’t bother. I think this step would have been a whole lot easier if the butter HAD been softened, so I’m telling you: soften your butter, unless you want to stand over your mixer and tell your stupid, refusing-to-combine butter that it’s an asshole.

(I’ve been telling many inanimate objects that they are assholes lately. It makes me feel better. This computer I’m typing to you on? I tell it 30 times a day that it’s an asshole. FUCKING computers, man. “Oh, let me SUDDENLY, for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, start moving slow as molasses, requiring 73 reboots in 30 minutes. THAT’ll be fun. Watch her face when she clicks on something and it takes FOREVER for the program to start up. LISTEN to the obscenities. This is the life, man! Hey, what’s she doing with that sledgehammer?”)

(Confession: I’ve never hit my computer with a sledgehammer, but I am VERY OFTEN tempted to do so. FUCKING computers.)

When your pecans, etc, are combined, spray cooking spray in a 9×13 baking pan, and press the pecan mixture in the bottom of the pan. I started out using a big spoon, told the big spoon that it was an asshole, and just used my hands. FUCKING big spoons, man.

While your crust is baking, make your vanilla and chocolate puddings (in separate bowls, of course), and put the bowls in the fridge. (For firmer pudding, use 2 cups of milk. For less firm pudding, 3 cups. I split the difference and used 2 1/2 cups.) After it cooks, your crust has to cool before you can put anything on it, but if you’ve got all your shit ready to go, you can just slap it together quickly.

Then make your cream cheese layer. Cream cheese, powdered sugar, and Cool Whip or whipped cream. Put it in a mixer and mix it. Life would have been easier if the cream cheese was softened.

When your crust is done cooking, let it cool. I think it was a couple of hours before I decided the crust was completely cool. Nothing is more boring and frustrating than waiting for a crust to cool. Crusts are assholes, man.

When the crust is cool, spread the cream cheese mixture over the top of it.

Spread the chocolate pudding over that, and then the vanilla pudding over that.

“Wait. Chocolate pudding? I can’t HAVE chocolate! What the hell? Lady, YOU are an ASSHOLE.”

Then you top THAT with 2 cups of Cool Whip. Because my life is LIKE IT IS (full of assholes), the Cool Whip was frozen in the middle. Frozen Cool Whip doesn’t spread, so to make a layer that would stretch the length of the pan, I had to use all the Cool Whip left in the bowl – I think it was probably about 3 cups.

FUCKING Cool Whip. That shit is made of nothing but chemicals, I don’t know WHO they think they’re kidding by keeping it in the freezer as though to keep it FRESH. That stuff could sit out on the counter for 30 years and still taste exactly the same. When a nuclear bomb has come and wiped us all out of existence, there’ll be nothing left but cockroaches, Kim Kardashian, all those Jolie-Pitt kids, and Cool Whip.

I made Fred grate the chocolate to sprinkle on top of the Cool Whip because that’s the kind of bossy bitch I am.

We chilled it for a couple of hours, and then gave it a try.

The verdict? Meh. I honestly was not really a fan. Neither was Fred. Which isn’t to say that we didn’t eat it – it was the only sweet thing in the house (besides me, HA HA), so we ate the hell out of it. If I were going to make it again (I’m not), I’d use real whipped cream instead of Cool Whip. But I ain’t making it again. This recipe’s going straight into the trash.

Sex in a Pan? Puh-lease. I’d call this Drunken Handjob in the Back of a Taxi Right Before Someone Barfs On Your Face. Catchy, ain’t it? Truth in recipe titles is important.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out this page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

Those of you who know me from my online journal/blog know that over the years I have shared a shit-ton of personal information regarding almost everything in my life. Except for one thing. I do not, nor will I ever, discuss my sex life online. But now this damn recipe is going to force people to have a vague notion of my sex life just because of one sentence that I feel absolutely must be written.

If you think that there is any food or recipe out there that is better than sex, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Now go wash your brains out with bleach so we can carry on, okay? Good.

I had to make a change to the crust because I didn’t have any pecans. I grabbed walnuts from the freezer and just used those instead. I also used this new chopper because I thought it would be easier than messing with the electric mini chopper. Guess what? It’s not. In fact, it’s a huge pain in the ass. One hand operation, my ass. And it’s a bitch to clean. The electric mini chopper? Piece of cake to clean and has always been easy to use. Lesson learned: I should stick with what I know.

While I was taking pictures I decided to use my old “professional” photography lights. Another lesson learned: You can have all the fancy equipment in the world and it won’t make a difference if you have no idea how to use it. I apologize in advance for the yellow photos. This is butter in a bowl. I’m pretty sure that you recognize it, but maybe some of you who confuse easily (Robyn) might not.

I ended up having to mix it with a pastry cutter to get everything to stick together.

I have a confession to make: I hate/loathe making pudding. It’s such a pain in the ass with the using up of all your milk, mixing, etc. that I hate even bothering since you get so little back for the use of your time. I just needed y’all to know that I was already hating by the time I opened up those boxes of pudding.

Keepin’ it really real. Those are foam boards to help with the pictures. I think my problem is all of the stainless steel combined with bad kitchen lighting, but I refuse to rip out my stainless steel counter for DCEP. I bet Amanda would, though. She probably has butcher block countertops in her mansion. Someday I’ll show you that the right front leg of this counter has sisal rope wrapped around it for our cats. I bet Amanda is just seething with jealousy right now!

I also ditched the pro (ahem) lighting. As you can see, it was a smart move on my part.

Man, I love me some cream cheese mixed up like this (but still don’t think it’s better than sex).

Action shot! And one where I’m standing in my own light. I am not ashamed to tell you that this mixer came from the thrift store. For the longest time I had a KitchenAid hand mixer because I had a KitchenAid stand mixer and wrongly assumed that all KitchenAid mixers are of the same quality. Uh, no. I suffered for years with that piece of shit hand mixer! One day I was at the thrift store and found a hand mixer made by General Electric for $4.99 so I bought it to see if it would work better. Guess what? That bitch destroys! And no lie, I cannot find it on Amazon so I’m guessing that maybe they stopped making them. Which makes me think that it might have been recalled and will blow up in my face or some shit. Don’t care, love my new thrift store mixer!

Are you bored with this yet? I can tell you that Julie certainly was. For some reason my cats are not impressed with pudding. Go figure. Is she judging me? WTF, Julie? You’re the one that is blurry and out of focus, bitch.

I should have stopped right here and ate this. Because faux-cheesecake is better than no cheesecake at all!

Another action shot. Boring.

I am pissed. Another reason I don’t bother with pudding.

What.the.fuck?

I used the minimum amount of milk in order to make the pudding firmer because that’s what the recipe said. Yup. At this point I am pretty much beyond pissed off because it just looks like a goddamn mess.

I gave up when the chocolate pudding wasn’t firm enough and started changing the color of my freaking whip cream.

After sitting in the refrigerator overnight.

A close-up.

Felina helped me out with this recipe. Yes, I know dogs aren’t supposed to have chocolate. Trust me, she quit after this initial lick. Color Felina not impressed.

Okay, here’s the deal. It’s pudding. Pudding and whipped cream with a little bit of cream cheese. Now, had they taken away the pudding and put some strawberries in that bitch with jello, I would have been all up in it. But this? It’s puddin’. Around here, if someone is nice enough, but has absolutely no personality…we call them puddin’. Seriously. My husband taught me this years ago. He said, “Nobody expects much from pudding…it’s just there.” We all know some people who could be called puddin’. Think about it. Heh.

This recipe wasn’t worth the ink and paper I wasted to print it. Straight to the garbage can!

PS: Shirley SKIMMED the entry from last week and totally didn’t see when I called her out as a thief. Apparently her stupid Facebook Scrabble game is more important than her daughter. Hmph! She did laugh when I told her what I had done. I guess when you’re 72 you stop caring about what people think (including your own daughter). Imagine if she could type. Yikes!

Sex in a Pan - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

75 hours

Cook time

20 mins

Total time

75 hours 20 mins

: Dessert

Cuisine: This is a cuisine without country

Serves: 10

Ingredients

Crust:
1 c. chopped pecans
3 T sugar
½ c. butter, softened
1 c. flour
Cream Cheese Layer:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1 c. powdered sugar
1 c. Cool Whip or whipped cream
Puddings:
1 5.1 oz pkg instant vanilla pudding
1 5.1 oz pkg instant chocolate pudding
6 cups milk
Top layer:
2 cups whipped cream or cool whip
shaved/grated chocolate

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350ºF.
In a mixer, mix chopped pecans, sugar, softened butter, and flour together until well combined. Press into the bottom of a (sprayed with cooking spray) 9x13" baking pan. Bake for 20 minutes.
While the crust is baking, make your pudding. In separate bowls, prepare the chocolate and vanilla puddings, following directions on the package. (For a firmer pudding use 2 cups of milk; for a looser pudding use 3 cups of milk.) Keep the bowls in the refrigerator until needed.
Prepare cream cheese layer: put cream cheese, powdered sugar, and Cool Whip or whipped cream in a bowl. Mix until well blended and fluffy. Keep bowl in the refrigerator until needed.
When the crust is done, let it cool completely.
On cooled crust, spread cream cheese mixture. Top that with chocolate pudding, and top that with vanilla pudding. On the very top, spread 2 (or more) cups of Cool Whip or whipped cream. Sprinkle with shaved or grated chocolate.
Chill for a couple of hours before serving.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Sweet Baby Ray’s Crockpot Chicken – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on June 17, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Sweet Baby Ray’s Crockpot Chicken. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at Just a Pinch.

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was Nance’s choice. I’ll be interested what prompted this choice, because I have my suspicions. What suspicions, you ask? Well. I think Nance was like “This recipe looks really simple and it will make Amanda’s head blow clean off her shoulders at the idea that we’re referring to this as a recipe.”

That’s right – I think Nance is Amanda-baiting. Which, don’t get me wrong – I’m ALL for Amanda-baiting. I bet Amanda’s nostrils are flaring in anticipation of how much this is NOT a recipe and doesn’t meet her high standards. I bet Amanda wears a headband and cardigans and has her hair straightened to within an inch of its life. Amanda’s hair wouldn’t dare stray out of place for one instant or she’d just pluck the offending hair right out of her head. Amanda, I think I’m saying, has stringent and rigid standards regarding what is and is not a recipe.

ANYway. (I bet Amanda hates it when I say “ANYway.”)(Also probably not a fan of parentheses.)

Your ingredients (“Not MY ingredients,” Amanda is saying.)

Chicken breasts, white vinegar, brown sugar, red pepper flakes, and garlic powder. Also, a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce. Fred was in charge of buying the Sweet Baby Ray’s (I had kittens to cuddle), and he reported that there was nothing that was JUST plain regular barbecue sauce, they had 30 different variations, so he bought the one that looked the best to him, the Sweet ‘n Spicy (Amanda: “Grrr! Sweet AND Spicy. AND.”)

Those chickens breasts are store-bought. After the last time we used our home-grown chicken in a recipe and then didn’t like it, Fred declared that from then on out if we were making a recipe for the first time and weren’t sure if we’d like it, we’d use store-bought because it is a mortal sin to use home-grown chicken for meals that we end up not liking. He’s so bossy and forceful, that Fred.

The recipe calls for 4 – 6 chicken breasts, but store-bought chicken breasts are so damn big that I’m not sure 6 of them would have fit in the crockpot, for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus (see what I did there?)

Okay, put your chicken breasts in the crockpot.

Mix all the other ingredients together. I used a big measuring cup so that pouring it over the chicken breasts would be easier.

I had to get a little violent because my garlic powder was all clumped together in one big, uh, CLUMP. I suspect that bottle of garlic powder is about as old as I am. Yes, I know you’re supposed to replace your herbs and spices regularly. I don’t give a shit. You’re also not supposed to keep them over the stove where they’re subjected to heat. What, I don’t spend enough time pampering cats, dogs, and chickens, I need to pamper my goddamn spices, too? Fuck that.

“The Prince will have a light snack after his nap and before his massage. Also, be sure that the masseuse isn’t all chatty. The Prince hates it when they’re chatty. Just rub the toes and shut UP, you know?”

(Sorry about that watermark being all up in his face. I have a real problem with people stealing my pictures, using them without attribution, and then suggesting that I should be grateful for it. Oh, don’t get me STARTED. And that picture, I’m sorry – SO FREAKIN’ CUTE. I was half tempted to plaster the watermark across his damn forehead.)

Dump the barbecue sauce, etc over your chicken breasts.

Cook it on low, 4 – 6 hours. When given a range like that I usually split the difference (5 hours), but I was a little late in getting it all in the crockpot, so it only cooked for 4 hours.

This is what it looked like right before I put the lid on the crockpot. It looked pretty much the same after 4 hours.

And this is after I removed the chicken breasts from the liquid.

I was going to slice the chicken breast and ARRANGE it and take an artsy-fartsy picture, but the chicken pretty much shredded as I cut it, so you get this.

The verdict? Meh. Totally meh. Like, meh minus. The chicken was dry, and just… meh. Fred felt the same. I wouldn’t waste any home-grown chicken on this recipe. The sauce was good and might be better on something else, but I won’t make this recipe again. Life’s too short for meh chicken.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out this page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

I’m from Pennsylvania and there’s no way in hell I would try to make my own barbecue sauce. People in the south know their shit when it comes to barbecue and this yankee prefers to just enjoy the good stuff when I visit. But I do use barbecue sauce in a bottle sometimes. I stick with Sweet Baby Ray’s or KC Masterpiece. I do not like Kraft’s Barbecue Sauce because it tastes like the stuff I threw up that one time I was mixing tequila with beer. In the same glass. Glass after glass after glass…

Everybody’s different and I’m not going to judge (this time), but I have been known to pitch a hiss if the husband brings home that cheap Kraft Barbecue shit just because I forgot to specify a brand on the grocery list. Goodbye, Kraft Sponsorship! Heh.

I picked this recipe because a) I recognized the name b) it looked easy and c) it was made in a crockpot. There are days when I can’t be bothered to stop what I’m doing to make dinner. Especially if I fell down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out if Amanda Bynes is crazy or just has a vicious drug problem.

A crockpot meal is the perfect solution for, ahem, busy people like me.

I just realized that this picture makes it look like I don’t know how to spell the word chicken. I do. When I’m packing up a butt-load of chicken (we buy in bulk because I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna chop the head off a live one!) I sometimes get lazy about my penmanship. These chicken breasts have been cut into smaller sizes because we’re controlling portions. Some of us eat the leftovers for lunch the next day so it all works out. I just told you that in case you were dividing the chicken by the number of people in this house and were getting confused. You’re welcome.

Crybaby Felina didn’t want to be up on the counter with the Barbecue Sauce.

Here she is walking away from the situation because I had a dilema and she was over it. I didn’t know the amount of barbecue sauce I should use since my bottle said 50% more free. I couldn’t decide if I should only use half of the bottle or just dump the whole thing in there and hope for the best. This recipe would have been more helpful if it had included what size bottle for chrissakes.

Of course Sadie Mae was all about posing for DCEP because she’s the good one. If you look real close, you can see where I had her toenails (front paws only) painted a lovely shade of metallic blue. She drags the top of her feet across the cement on our porch when she walks (arthritis/old age) and it just plum ruined her manicure. The look on her face tells me that she doesn’t care. At all.

Remember when Pizza Hut was just new and they had glass shaker bottles of this stuff on their tables? I would sprinkle it all over my pizza and it was fabulous. Now? I don’t eat Pizza Hut because…barf. Bye, bye Pizza Hut Sponsorship! Truth Game: When I left home to live in Washington, DC at the grand old age of 18, Shirley stole a shaker while we ate at Pizza Hut so I would have one in my new apartment. Shirley. STOLE.

Robyn’s probably getting ready to kill me by now. Trash talking possible sponsors and sharing my mother’s criminal past. Whee!

This is what everything looked like when I threw it all into a bowl. I know you’re impressed. I ended up using about 3/4 of the bottle since my brain gave up wondering what could possibly go wrong. Who gives a shit?

Action shot taken by Shirley (aka: mom). You can also see where I deviated from the recipe because I sprinkled pepper (not salt) on the chicken and sprayed the shit out of the crockpot with cooking spray. Pro-tip: Pepper the hell out of the sides of the crockpot so you look like an idiot.

Another action shot because Shirley was all proud of herself.

This is what I ended up with. I will tell you where I screwed up – I fucked around so much that I ended up having to cook it on high for a bit in order to have it in time for dinner. Cooking that shit on high made it DRY. VERY, VERY DRY. Hard to believe when you see that picture up there, huh? Yup. I suppose you could lick it if you don’t want to deal with that whole dry thing. But I’m pretty sure bending over and licking your chicken at the dinner table is frowned upon.

But here’s the very best part of all…

IT SUCKED! Blech. The recipe took a perfectly good barbecue sauce and turned it into a very poor imitation of that cheap-ass Kraft shit that I hate so much. No lie! The fuck with all that vinegar? Are you kidding me? Who wants to take a perfectly decent barbecue sauce and make it taste like swill? I was so freaking disappointed. This recipe needs to be flushed. Immediately.

Sweet Baby Ray's Crockpot Chicken - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

5 mins

Cook time

4 hours

Total time

4 hours 5 mins

: Entree

Cuisine: Croatian

Serves: 4-6

Ingredients

4 - 6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 bottle Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce
¼ c. white vinegar
1 tsp red pepper flakes
1 tsp garlic powder
¼ c. brown sugar

Instructions

Place chicken breasts in the bottom of crock pot.
Mix barbecue sauce, vinegar, brown sugar, red pepper flakes, and garlic powder together. Pour over the chicken breasts.
Place lid on the crockpot and cook on low for 4 - 6 hours*
*Really, you don't want to cook the damn things for 6 hours. They'll be dust. Mine were too dry at 4 hours. I (Robyn) would actually go for 3 hours, then check to see if they're done. How do you check them? Slice into the middle of the chicken breast and check for pink. If there's pink, keep on cookin'. No pink? Ding! It's done! Then eat that chicken breast yourself, don't go serving it to someone else. What kind of animal are you? You ruined it! You gotta eat it yourself.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Mrs. Dooley’s Cookies – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on June 11, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Mrs. Dooley’s Cookies. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. This recipe was submitted by reader Alexandra.

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was submitted by reader Alexandra, who said:

My mom used to make these cookies all the time when I was a kid, and now I make them whenever I feel the need for something other than chocolate chip cookies. I made a couple of batches when super-pregnant this past fall, ate one (batch, that is, not cookie) and took the other to the hospital to give to the staff. I find that the cookies are best after a day or two of “ripening.” They also freeze pretty well.

My mom got the recipe from a college friend who got it from her mother (the “Mrs. Dooley” of the recipe name). My guess is that it may have originally been an Eagle Brand recipe, but I couldn’t find it on their page, so who knows.

Also — no eggs! You can eat all the dough you want!

I’m going to add here that I Googled to the best of my abilities and didn’t find this recipe anywhere, not on the Eagle Brand site, not anywhere on the entire internet. We’re sticklers for giving credit where credit is due, so if you happen to know where the recipe originally came from, let us know. Otherwise, we’re declaring Mrs. Dooley the genius behind this.

Your ingredients:

Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk (honestly, the brand doesn’t matter), chocolate chips, butter, vanilla, flour.

First, you’ve gotta melt your chocolate chips and butter together. I do have a double boiler, but if you don’t, then use a bowl (not a plastic one, dummy) over a pot of water. Alexandra says that her mother uses the microwave, 30 seconds at a time, at medium or medium-high power. That sounds like something I’d completely fuck up, so I opted to use my double boiler.

This step takes FOREVER, so I wandered through the house and snuggled sleeping kittens and occasionally returned to the kitchen to give the chocolate chips and butter a stir.

“Tired of your snuggling shit, lady.”

Then there are a few steps I completely didn’t take pictures of. Once the chocolate chips and butter are melted together, you remove it from the heat. I put it in a big bowl, dumped the sweetened, condensed milk in, and stirred it all together really well. AND THEN added the flour and vanilla, alternating. Basically I added half the flour, mixed it well, then half the vanilla, mixed it well, the rest of the flour, mixed it well, and the last of the vanilla. I did this all by hand, but I think a mixer would have been okay.

Then it’s got to sit for 15 minutes to let the dough “toughen.”

Grease your cookie sheets OR (this is what I did) line them with parchment paper. Parchment paper is THE BOMB, and makes cleanup so so easy. I always have a ton of the precut sheets on hand.

Drop dough by heaping tablespoons onto your cookie sheet. I used my beloved cookie scoop.

They don’t spread much at all. This is what they look like when they’re done.

Fred happened to arrive home from work just as I pulled the last pan of cookies from the oven. I opened my mouth to tell him that we were going to let them “age” for a couple of days, but before I could he ate one, declared it “really good” and then ate another. I gave one a try, and he was right – it was good! They’re fudgy and chewy and pretty small, so you can eat 75 of them without feeling guilty (ha, as if I ever feel guilty about eating FOOD).

This recipe makes a lot of cookies (I got 5 1/2 dozen, and I was generous with shoving uncooked dough in my face as I was making the cookies), so we were able to check them the next day and then the day after that. They start out good and they only improve with age. We still had so many left after two days that I put the rest in the freezer.

I do think that a sprinkle of sea salt across the top (do I sound all pretentious like Amanda? I hope not!) or a sprinkle of toasted pecans might be a nice addition. I’m definitely adding this recipe to the recipe box and will be making them again. A++, thanks for submitting, Alexandra!

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out our new page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

My week was horrific (Maddy lost her battle with renal failure) and it never got any better by the time I had to make these cookies. My mother had surgery, Trey’s car blew a head-gasket, our riding lawn mower shit the bed, Rick had to go out of town for work, and we found out that the powder room toilet had been leaking. Leaking so bad that it went through the carpeting and soaked the wooden sub-floor beneath it.

I had been convinced that Felina was stealth-peeing on my mother’s bedroom carpeting (right outside the powder room). You don’t even want to know how many times I scrubbed that carpet, bitching the entire time about that googley-eyed ugly dog, while the real culprit was silently destroying my life not 3 feet away.

So yeah. It was the week from hell and all I have to show for it is a broke down Buick in the driveway and a toilet sitting on my back porch. It’s just a matter of time until I’m the star of a reality show called My White Trash Life. Be jealous.

You can probably figure out from reading the above that I was in absolutely no mood to bake fucking cookies, right? But I couldn’t let Robyn down so I busted out my fancy pans and went to work. This is my double boiler. I have never bothered to buy a real double boiler because this bowl/pan combo has always worked out for me.

Well, it works out for me until I get a steam burn when I’m trying to stir something. Maybe I should just break down and buy a damn double boiler. That’s a good name for a band. The Damn Double Boilers. Okay, maybe it’s not a good name for a band. How about The Scalded Skins? Somebody trademark that shit.

You’re welcome.

I pulled this out of the refrigerator. Can you even imagine what was going on with this butter that it is twist-wrapped on both ends? Who twist-wraps butter? And why would you be using both ends of a butter stick? Someone in my family is a weirdo. And no, it’s not me (shut-up).

This bag of Hershey’s chocolate chips had 2 cups in it and we need 3 cups for the recipe. Ugh, math.

I figured I would use 1 cup of these mini morsels that I had in my freezer for some reason. I honestly think they’re from the time we made some kind of diet cannoli/graham cracker frozen treat. Yes, I know I can search the site. But eh, too lazy. Just know that I’m assuming DCEP is the reason I have mini morsels in my freezer because I would never buy them on my own.

This is what happens when you try and balance chocolate chips on Sadie’s head and the damn cat gets directly in her face.

Too bad we don’t have Scratch ‘N Sniff because this melted chocolate smelled fabulous.

Action shot! I had already stirred the hell out of the melted chocolate and sweetened condensed milk. Adding the flour just meant lots more stirring. If you have old lady hands like me, it’s a good idea to have someone around to help you out. Between arthritis and carpal tunnel I was ready for a heating pad by the time I was done with this recipe. No lie.

This is what it looked like after I let it sit for 15 minutes like the recipe said to do. You can tell I was done with all the stirring just by looking at the sides of the bowl. Normally I would have had a spatula out and made sure the sides were scraped clean. I was so over it by the time I was done stirring that I had, as they say on the Internet, no more shits to give.

I used parchment paper and dropped the dough on it with tablespoons. Julie was unimpressed with the outcome.

When I was growing up there was no way in hell I would have gotten away with sniffing my food. That was a serious rule at our house. No sniffing your food and absolutely no licking your butter knife!

I went back and rolled the dough into balls and then flattened them slightly with my fingers. As you can see, it made for a much prettier cookie.

The cookies ended up tasting great! Imagine a cookie with a brownie flavor and texture because that’s exactly what these were like. They were even better the next day. After all my bitching it turned out that these are definitely a keeper!

Mrs. Dooley's Cookies - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

15 mins

Cook time

10 mins

Total time

25 mins

Original Source/Author: Mrs. Dooley, DUH

: Cookie

Cuisine: Mrs. Dooley's gotta be Irish. Or maybe Scottish? They have sweetened condensed milk in Ireland?

Serves: 66

Ingredients

3 cups semisweet chocolate chips
4 Tbsp butter
2 14 oz cans sweetened condensed milk (Eagle Brand or not. Doesn't matter!)
2 cups flour
2 tsp vanilla extract

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 325ºF
Melt the chocolate chips and butter together in a double boiler. If you don't have a double boiler, use a heatproof bowl over a pan of water. You could try microwaving it in 30-second bursts at medium or medium-high heat. But don't come crying to me if you mess it up!)
Remove the chocolate mixture from the heat when it's completely melted and add the sweetened, condensed milk. Mix well. (I transferred the chocolate mixture to a big bowl before this step, as my double boiler isn't that big.)
Mix in the flour and vanilla, alternating between the two.
Let the dough sit for 15 minutes to "toughen."
Grease cookie pans or line with parchment paper.
Drop dough onto cookie sheets by heaping tablespoons.
Bake for 10 minutes. (Since there are no eggs in the dough you don't need to be too worried about undercooking them, but you don't want to overcook them; I baked mine for exactly 10 minutes, and that turned out to be the perfect time.)
Remove to a wire rack to cool.
(Cookies are good when they're freshly baked, but even better after aging for a couple of days. They freeze well, too!)

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Red Lobster® Cheese Biscuits in a Loaf Pan – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on June 3, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Red Lobster Cheese Biscuits in a Loaf Pan. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at iVillage.com

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was my choice. I ran across it on Pinterest and knew I had to make it, because who doesn’t love the HELL out of those little cheese biscuits from Red Lobster? And doesn’t it sound way easier to throw it in a loaf pan and bake it than making biscuits? It totally does.

(Amanda is sniffing in disdain right now and saying “Chain restaurants. Well, of course YOU PEOPLE eat at chain restaurants.”)

Your ingredients:

Milk, flour, chunks o’ cheddar, sour cream, salt, pepper, cayenne, baking powder. Not shown: melted butter.

Throw all your dry ingredients into a big bowl and whisk ’em all together.

Then toss your cheese chunks in the bowl and coat them with the flour and other dry ingredients. This somehow helps to prevent the cheese from sinking. You don’t want all your cheese to sink to the bottom of the bread, do you? No, you don’t.

In a different bowl, mix all your wet ingredients (milk, sour cream, butter, egg) together.

Throw all your wet ingredients in with your dry ingredients and mix well.

Toss it all into a loaf pan. The recipe said to “oil” the loaf pan, which I did. I recommend you use Baker’s Joy instead.

Bake that shit, and take a kitten break while it’s baking.

This is Kate and one of her five kittens, Aslan. He’s well past the age of needing to nurse, but that doesn’t stop him from harassing his mother 75 times a day. Sometimes she bunny kicks him in the head, and sometimes she gives in. Hope springs eternal for little Aslan.

This is what my loaf of bread looked like when it came out of the oven.

It barfed up some of the cheddar – but hey, at least the cheddar didn’t all sink to the bottom of the loaf, amiright?

When I went to remove it from the pan, it stuck at the bottom. Because I oiled it instead of using the stupid Baker’s Joy.

On the up side, I was able to pull that chunk out of the pan and see how the bread was instead of having to wait for the loaf to cool. DAMN it was good.

This is what a loaf of bread looks like when its cooling on a wire rack. Fascinating, no?

Then I had a brain storm (or an aneurysm, you decide). “This loaf of bread totally needs to be brushed with melted butter with garlic salt mixed in it!” I told Fred. He concurred. I said “You come mix the garlic salt in with the butter, and I’ll brush it on the bread!”

I cleaned up the dishes in the sink while Fred melted the butter and added the garlic salt. He tasted it. “This needs more!” He tasted it again. “The garlic taste just really isn’t coming through!” Finally, he’d added enough garlic salt that the butter met with his approval. I got out the pastry brush and brushed the butter on the bread.

“Let’s eat!” I said. I sliced the bread.

I took a big bite of a piece of bread.

And it was like a goddamned salt lick. Deer were crashing through the door and elbowing me out of the way to get at that shit. As it turned out, my brain surgeon of a brilliant husband was DUMPING garlic salt into the butter, the garlic salt was sinking to the bottom of the bowl, and then he was tasting the melted butter from the top of the bowl without mixing the garlic salt into what he was tasting. It was fucking VILE.

We ended up cutting the top and sides off the bread and ate what was left, but the spell was broken. He totally ruined it. He’s never allowed in my kitchen again. Fucker.

Seriously, that stuff was good. I recommend it. Just don’t let Fred help out in your kitchen.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out our new page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

Truth Game: I have never been inside a Red Lobster® restaurant (I don’t like seafood). I have no idea what their cheese biscuits taste like and I have no intention of ever finding out. I have heard a lot of people rave about how good they are and I almost bought their official boxed mix (heads-up, affiliate link). The reason I didn’t buy it? Because The Olive Garden® restaurant tricked me into buying two bottles of their salad dressing and it sucked. It was so awful that it made me paranoid about buying those kind of branded items. Okay, MORE paranoid. Whatevs. If one of you guys buy it…

1. Use the affiliate link. Ha!

2. Tell us all about it!

There are many people that take issue with a lot of different things (Amanda). This recipe annoyed me when I saw that it said to “oil” the pan. Should my dumb ass be wiping the pan with an oil-soaked paper towel or could I just “grease” the pan with Crisco® like God intended? I had a flashback of 11-year-old Nance using vegetable oil and her fingers to prepare a cake pan. And I was flouring that mess, too. There was a good reason for Home Economics to be taught in school, people. And thank Christ I was forced to take it in 7th grade!

After the greasing and oiling issue I started to wonder if there are people out there that don’t know you have to level your flour when you measure it. Something so simple, yet really important.

Well, now you know. Level that shit.

I don’t think I would have this in my cupboard if it weren’t for DCEP. I have always used cayenne flakes. And no lie, I would use a mortal/pestle thing to grind it up. What rock have I been living under? Sheesh.

I didn’t even taste the cayenne powder in the biscuit, but Rick says you could. So take that however you want to because I don’t have a clue.

Felina really, really wants to be a part of the action. But she does not fit in with my artistic ideal so tough shit, little dog.

Demon cat be snorting that cayenne and exorcising like Linda Blair. Heh.

Shh…this is the whisk that came with Shirley’s (aka:mom) special stainless steel pan set. I’m totally using it behind her back. Hi, mom. You should probably find a new hiding place.

Half of 8 ounces is 4 ounces which is equal to the amount this recipe requires. I genius!
(Shout-out to Shelleyness – who I always think of whenever I use a Ziploc® Bag).

I cut the cheese (hee!) into ¼” cubes. Or what I thought ¼” cubes might look like. I sure as hell wasn’t going to measure them.

Action shot with Polish Pottery!

This is kinda gross, huh? And I need my ass kicked for trying to pour a too full bowl like that into another bowl. I got lucky this time, normally I would have had to clean up a huge mess.

This is me not over-stirring.

Color me un-impressed. It tasted okay. But cutting the biscuit loaf was a pain in the ass. Crumbs everywhere. It was also a pain in the ass to eat because hunks would break off when you lifted it. Ugh. Too much hassle/mess for me to bother with it again. I’ll pass.

Red Lobster Cheese Biscuits in a Loaf Pan - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

10 mins

Cook time

50 mins

Total time

1 hour

: appetizer, side dish

Cuisine: German

Serves: 12

Ingredients

3 c flour
1 T baking powder
1 tsp salt
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
⅛ tsp black pepper
4 ounces cheddar cheese, cut into ¼ inch cubes
1¼ c milk
¾ c sour cream
3 T melted butter
1 egg, beaten

Instructions

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9x5 loaf pan with cooking spray.
In a bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt, pepper, cayenne and black pepper. Add cheese cubes and stir until covered in flour mixture.
In a separate bowl, mix the milk, sour cream, melted butter, and egg. Stir the wet mixture into the flour and cheese mixture until just combined.
Spread dough in your prepared loaf pan. Bake for 45-50 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes and then remove from pan. Allow to cool for one hour before slicing and serving.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Comments now closed. Spammers suck.

Edna Mae’s Sour Cream Pancakes – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on May 28, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Edna Mae’s Sour Cream Pancakes. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was chosen by Nance. We really don’t eat pancakes around here, I honestly can’t remember the last time I made them (and Fred’s more of a waffle fan), but I was certainly willing to give it a shot.

Before I could make the pancakes, I had to wait until Mama Kate was done with her morning snack.

OM NOM.

“Robyn,” Amanda is saying with a disdainful sniff. “You feed your CAT on your KITCHEN COUNTER? That is GROSS and HORRIFYING.”

To which I say “Bitch, you are NOT invited to breakfast, lunch, OR dinner, so it’s not any of your damn business!”

(And yes, I feed Mama Kate on the counter because if I don’t, her bratty little kittens will come along and Hoover up all her food and she’ll get even skinnier and she’s already skin and bones.)

The Enforcer, plotting how to get his paws on Mama’s food.

Mama Kate ate her food, I shooed her out of the kitchen, wiped down the counters, and was ready to make pancakes.

Here’s a tip, before we get started: if it takes your stove top a good long time to warm up as mine does, put your pan (or griddle) on the stove and turn on the heat before you even start mixing. That way, when the batter is mixed, the pan is heated and ready to go.

Your ingredients:

Flour, sugar, sour cream, salt, baking soda, eggs, and vanilla extract (that big bottle in the back is homemade vanilla. One day I’m going to get my butt in gear and show y’all how to make your own.)

Mix your eggs and vanilla together in a small bowl, and set aside.

In a large bowl, mix your dry ingredients (flour, sugar, salt, baking soda) together.

Throw your sour cream in there and mix until it’s just combined (don’t go crazy or you’ll end up with tough pancakes, and I’m pretty sure NO ONE wants that.)

Then throw your egg and vanilla mixture in mix until combined.

Throw butter in the pan you were smart enough to preheat and let it melt. I’d say I used… maybe a Tablespoon of butter? I didn’t pay attention when I put the butter in, but that sounds about right.

Drop your pancake batter into the pan by 1/4-cup scoops. I actually have a 1/4-cup scoop that comes in super handy (I’m not kidding, I use it a lot!), and that’s what I used. I only cooked two pancakes at a time because that’s just how I roll.

When the pancakes are bubbly across the top and brown around the edges, flip ’em over. This is a pancake that wasn’t ready to be flipped yet. I didn’t get a picture of one that WAS ready for flipping, because I am a scattered mess sometimes.

Here’s one after I flipped it.

If your pan gets too dry, add more butter. I did that, but I didn’t even think to keep track of how much butter I used.

You know, some people would go ahead and add even more butter to the pancakes once they’re cooked and I’m not judging you if you want to do that, go ahead and knock yourself out. But since they were cooked in butter, I figured just syrup would be good enough.

The verdict? Fred said they had a good flavor, but he still isn’t any great fan of pancakes and would have preferred waffles. (His “meh”-ness on the pancakes probably wasn’t helped by the fact that a couple of the pancakes I gave him weren’t quite done in the middle. It took me a little while to get the hang of waiting for the bubbles to appear before turning the pancakes; it’s really been a long time since I’ve made pancakes and I guess I lost the skill.)

I thought they were AWESOME. I’ve never been a big fan of pancakes, though if they’re put in front of me I’ll eat a few. But these were really really good. I don’t know that they’ll go into regular rotation – I don’t think we’re suddenly going to start eating pancakes with more frequency – but if I have a desire for pancakes, this is for sure going to be my go-to recipe.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out our new page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

Insider information: My grandmother’s name was Edna Mae.

Some people think that I don’t like Pioneer Woman. Those people are wrong-I just don’t care for her type of schtick. But fuck, this recipe sucked balls (calf ones, hee) and that’s no lie! I’m telling you ahead of time because I just can’t keep it a secret until the end of this entry.

I love my mother to death, but Shirley was working a nerve when it came time to make these. A Nerve, people. It was dinner time and apparently someone was hungry because she was grabbing things and saying, “Come on, let’s get going” while I was hollering, “Stop-it, I have to take pictures of this shit!” Some people have a calm and tranquil kitchen environment. Mine? There was a whole lot of cussing going on and I’m pretty sure I used the word asshole more than a few times. To describe my mother.

BECAUSE SHE IS ONE.

See this griddle? A lot of baggage comes with this damn thing. My mother had one just like it years ago. It was relegated to the basement due to its size and our lack of space. Somehow the power cord was lost and we searched for months trying to find the damn thing. We eventually gave up and got rid of the griddle. About 6 months later, we found the power cord. IN THE GARAGE (???). Easy break-down: we had a griddle with no power cord and then a power cord with no griddle. I personally find them a pain in the ass to use, but we’re all about keeping The Matriarch happy over here so we got her a new one.

Every time she uses it she packs it all up and puts it back in the box just like it was when it was purchased.

Proof that I am nothing like my mother. I burn every single box as soon as whatever I purchased is plugged in and working. The only thing I keep are the boxes for Apple products and I think that’s only because I love their packaging. What? If you really take a good look at their packaging you would understand. It’s motherfucking ART.

Um, I guess I should yap about this freaking recipe already.

The number of bowls this recipe took was ridiculous. Three fucking bowls for a pancake recipe that serves two. That’s some crazy dumb shit right there. Oh wait. Maybe that’s not some crazy shit. This may just be a recipe that was written as such to make a woman like Amanda happy. And I bet that someone as particular as her just loved the fact that the flour was measured out in tablespoons. Seven tablespoons to be exact.

Action shot! Just imagine me yelling at my mother to slow down so that I could take a picture.

Another action shot. I was really starting to get annoyed with my mother by this time. Not only was she completely steam-rolling my recipe, but she was also standing in my light when I was trying to take the pictures. It was starting to turn into a to-do. I may have contemplated a nursing home. Or an asylum. Pro-tip: Save your butter ends for when you need to grease a pan or a griddle.

I threw the entire end of butter onto the griddle and Shirley just about died. Apparently she was not going to allow me to put that much butter on her special griddle.

I eventually showed her because I fucked around so much the butter started to turn brown before I even got the pancake mix on the damn thing. I’m pretty sure she didn’t appreciate that. Ha!

This is me barely combining what-the-fuck-ever because that’s all I saw when I read the recipe. Barely combine and don’t overmix. It’s a pancake for chrissakes!

You see those bubbles? That means that the pancake is almost ready to be flipped. Almost, but not quite. Leave it alone until you see more bubbles all over the surface.

You see someone messing around with those pancakes before they are ready to be flipped? That someone wasn’t me.

This one was obviously ready to be flipped.

Two spatulas and WHAT THE FUCK are you doing, Shirley?

Move your eyes to the right of this picture. Are you fucking kidding me?

End-game. Obviously Shirley liked them because she was so freaking hungry. Rick said they had a strange texture and I agreed. This is not a light and fluffy pancake (even when I was careful to not over-mix). It’s a rubbery mess with butter and syrup. I’ll be honest, the sour cream pissed me off because I thought it was going to add something special. You want to know what it added? More calories and fat. Totally not worth it and I’ll stick with a box mix the next time I want a pancake which will probably when hell freezes over because I like waffles better than pancakes.

Shout-out to Cathy. Sadie didn’t get any pancakes (she’s grain-free), but she did get that piece of bacon!

This picture is blurry, but I’m including it because it made me laugh. Rick was talking to her and she was trying to look at him without losing the bacon. She’s such a good girl!

Edna Mae's Sour Cream Pancakes - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

5 mins

Cook time

10 mins

Total time

15 mins

: Breakfast

Cuisine: Italian

Serves: 2

Ingredients

1 c. sour cream
7 T. all-purpose flour
2 T. sugar
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt
2 large eggs
½ tsp vanilla extract
Butter
Syrup

Instructions

Mix eggs and vanilla together in a small bowl and set aside.
In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, salt, and baking soda.
Add sour cream to the dry ingredients and mix until just combined.
Add eggs and vanilla mixture to the bowl and mix until just combined.
In a (preheated over medium heat) large pan or griddle, melt about 1½ T butter.
Drop batter by ¼-cup servings onto pan/griddle. When bubbles appear on the surface of the top of the batter and the edges start to brown, turn over and cook for 1 - 2 minutes.
Add butter pats or softened butter to the pancakes as you remove them from the heat if you wish; top with syrup and serve.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Honey Bun Coffee Cake – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on May 14, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Honey Bun Coffee Cake. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at My Homemade Life

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was my choice. I’d tell you how I stumbled across the recipe, but I haven’t got a clue. Pinterest, maybe? Yeah, okay, let’s say Pinterest. Why not?

You know those honey buns you can buy in your local convenience store or by the box at the grocery store? This cake was reported to taste just like them only, you know, bigger and not wrapped in cellophane. I like those honey buns – I mean, I’m not addicted, but I like ’em every now and then – so this recipe caught my eye. And it’s a relatively easy recipe too, and you KNOW how much I like simplicity in my recipes.

For the cake part of this recipe, you need:

Yellow cake mix, sour cream, vegetable oil, eggs, brown sugar, and cinnamon.

Throw your cake mix, sour cream, vegetable oil and eggs in a big ol’ bowl.

Stir everything together ’til it’s well combined.

Pour half the batter into a greased 9×13 pan (I use Baker’s Joy spray because it’s so convenient and also I like to add as many chemicals into my recipes as possible. SOMETHING’S GOTTA KILL ME.)

Combine your brown sugar and cinnamon in a smallish bowl.

Sprinkle the brown sugar and cinnamon over the batter in the pan. Spread it evenly…ish. Look, nobody’s perfect. Spread it the best you can, dummy. God knows that if I was ever able to sprinkle ANYthing evenly EVER, the world would screech to a halt and then crack open.

Spread the rest of the cake batter over the top of the brown sugar and cinnamon mixture.

If you’re me, you’re muttering lots of profanity because the damn sugar/cinnamon shit is clinging to the batter that you’re desperately trying to spread over the top of it, and it looks like hell, but this is NOT a pretty cake and who are you trying to impress, anyway?

Take a knife and drag it through the batter and cinnamon sugar in random swirly patterns. Look, do whatever you want. You can see that I did long swirly patterns because I had no real idea of what I was doing. It worked out fine. IT DID.

Now throw the pan in the oven, and clean up your kitchen. When you’re done cleaning, you might have a moment to veg out in front of your computer before you have to make your glaze.

Your glaze needs to be done and ready to pour by the time the cake comes out of the oven. Luckily, it’s easy to make.

Glaze ingredients:

Confectioner’s sugar, rum UM I MEAN VANILLA EXTRACT, and milk.

Stir your sugar, vanilla, and milk together. I used my 4-cup measuring cup to make it easier to dump over the cake. AM BRILLIANT.

Looks like glue.

Oh look! Cake’s done!

Dump the glaze over the hothothot cake and then spread evenly..ish. Look, just do the best you can. No one’s judging you except your mother, your sister, your kindergarten grade teacher (“I knew that child was going to come to no good when she couldn’t color inside the lines”) and Amanda.

Mmmm, glue cake.

Let it cool for at least 15 minutes or, if you’re me, more like an hour. What? I had other stuff to do. Those kittens aren’t going to snorgle themselves.

Here it is after an hour with the glaze all cooled and crackly.

And… the verdict? Well, I kinda made this face.

Yep. I didn’t care for this at ALL. Not one bit did I care for it. In fact, I didn’t even eat one whole piece, and excuse me – there’s something WRONG if I can’t even finish one piece of a cake. It was a really really heavy cake and it was not to my liking at all.

Fred also didn’t care for it.

The chickens, however, gave it 73 beaks up and demolished it in 10 seconds flat. George and Gracie each got a small piece, and I got the feeling they ate it just to be polite.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out our new page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe!

***************************************

Nance’s Take:

I was all excited when I saw that this recipe had a cake mix for the main ingredient because, “Hey, I have a cake mix in the cupboard!” But then I started thinking about how many recipes I’ve bombed over the years and I really didn’t want to use my magic butter cake mix on what could possibly end up in the garbage. So I did the smart thing and grabbed a cheap cake mix for this recipe and saved the butter one for another time. What? I like butter. And rumor has it that it’s better for you than margarine. But that’s just this week. Who the hell knows what will be good/bad for you next week?

Way back in 2008 Robyn was taking pictures of food that she made. She was a food blogger before it was a thing!

Somebody knows that they got busted for being ridiculous and they obviously don’t care. Hee!

I bought a kitchen scale! And thankfully it goes back to zero after you put your bowl on it so you don’t have to do any math! And it does that whole bullshit thing about noting the differences in fluids/solids/density/boring/WTFEVAH that Rick and I always fight about. It just may save my marriage, yo.

Please Note: A perfect eight ounces brought to you by She Who Knows Her Way Around a Scale. Fucking scales. I have never met a scale that I liked.

Action shot!

I read the part about lumps right when I was using the mixer. Oops! So I ran the mixer a little more just to mix the eggs in properly and then I quit. So what I’m trying to say here is that when the recipe said that it might be lumpy, I let it be lumpy.

I carried the lumpy theme over into the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture too. Don’t do what I do. I’m going to just go ahead and blame Shirley (aka: mom) because she had just come home from a church rummage sale and plopped this down on the counter…

This 13-year-old cookbook is going on the shelf with the other cookbooks that I haven’t tried anything from yet. She knows that we’re wanting to get beyond the one entry per week that we do. But damn, finding a recipe, buying the groceries, making the recipe, taking the pictures and then writing about it is harrrd. I need a secretary.

As you can see, I had a time of it when I tried to make the swirls. This is also why I never make marble cake.

The icing. That’s a whole lotta powdered sugar in there. Of course I tasted it and HOLY SWEETNESS, BATMAN! I always thought I was a sweet eater and that’s why I am such a fat-fatty. But I’m pretty sure that I’m more of a fat eater than a sweet eater. Especially after this recipe.

Action shot of the icing going on the cake. I work magic with my descriptions, huh? Shut-up.

You know how sometimes you can really like something, but ruin it for yourself if you eat too much of it? Yeah. This was a ridiculous amount of icing for a so-called Honeybun anything.

I tried a piece with the least amount of icing and eh, it was okay. An easier delivery method would be if you just opened your mouth and poured in 1 cup each of powdered and brown sugar mixed with 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. It was just TOO MUCH. You could easily halve both the cinnamon “swirl” and the icing parts of the recipe and have a really great coffee cake. But this was a case of major over-kill. Everyone in my house agreed that it was ridiculously sweet so we’re going to pass and I’m glad I didn’t use my butter cake mix!

About those pictures of Robyn…You’re welcome.

Honey Bun Coffee Cake - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

10 mins

Cook time

40 mins

Total time

50 mins

: Dessert, Breakfast, Snack

Cuisine: Guamanian

Serves: 12

Ingredients

Cake:
1 box yellow cake mix of your choice
8 ounce sour cream (Robyn used reduced-fat because she's counting calories, bwahaha)
4 eggs
¾ c. vegetable oil
Cake filling:
1 c brown sugar
1 T ground cinnamon
Glaze:
2 c. confectioner's sugar
4 T milk
1 T vanilla

Instructions

In a large bowl, combine cake mix, sour cream, eggs, and vegetable oil. Stir together until well combined (some lumps are okay. You're never going to get all those lumps out!)
Pour half the batter into a greased pan.
Combine brown sugar and cinnamon in a medium bowl. Sprinkle evenly(ish) over the batter.
Spread the rest of the batter over the top of the cinnamon sugar. It'll look like crap; that's okay. No one's judging you except Amanda.
Take a butter knife and swirl it through the batter from one end to the other.
Bake for 40 minutes at 325ºF, check with a toothpick for doneness (if the toothpick comes out clean, the cake is done.)
When the cake is just about done cooking, mix your glaze (so that it'll be ready when the cake comes out of the oven). Stir together confectioner's sugar, milk and vanilla with a small whisk or fork to get all the lumps out.
As soon as the cake comes out of the oven, pour the glaze over the top and spread it evenly.
Let cool 15 minutes (or more) before serving.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Bacon Wrapped, Cream Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breasts – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on May 6, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Bacon Wrapped, Cream Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breasts. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe by Chef #844314 can be found over at Food.com

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was Nance’s choice, and I was like “We’re gonna stuff a chicken breast with what and then wrap it with what? Um, okay.”

“You two is some crazy, crazy bitches.”

At least the ingredient list was pretty short and simple. One of the things required was two pieces of partially cooked bacon for each chicken breast. Instead of frying up that bacon in a pan, I opted to keep the mess contained to the oven (note to self: clean the damn oven). I baked the bacon in the oven at 450ºF for 8 minutes. It was fairly thin bacon, so if you use thicker bacon, you’ll want to bake it longer.

Now please gaze upon the rest of the ingredients:

Boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cream cheese, and green onions. Pretty simple, right? Guess who has a back forty FILLED with chickens but still had to buy chicken breasts at the damn grocery store? I know, completely ridiculous.

My main gripe about buying chicken breasts from the grocery store is that they are SO FREAKIN’ HUGE. I mean, look at those monsters. Those damn things are just pumped full of hormones, I guarantee it. (I should have bought the organic, pastured-raised chicken breasts, but… I didn’t. Because HO BOY is that shit expensive.)

First step: pound the chicken breasts ’til they’re about 1/4″ thick. I put my chicken breasts in a Ziploc® bag, zipped it mostly closed, and then beat the hell out of that thing with a rolling pin ’til it was flattened enough.

See? No chicken goop everywhere. The chicken goop is contained, there’s no salmonella running rampant over my counters, all is good.

“Why you beat the chicken? Was it bein’ bad?”

Mix 2 T cream cheese and 1 T chopped green onions for each chicken breast, then spread it across the chicken breast as you can.

Then you’ve got to roll up your damn chicken breasts. I will confess to you that I didn’t so much carefully roll up each breast as KIND OF roll each breast up and then tucked in the ends.

Then I wrapped two pieces of bacon around each chicken breast and tucked the ends under, putting each piece of chicken on a baking sheet afterward. I did not, as was instructed by the original recipe, secure the bacon with a toothpick. I just figured tucking the bacon under would be good enough.

Then while the chicken baked, I went upstairs for some kitten therapy. This pounding and rolling and wrapping bacon thing is STRESSFUL.

The best kind of stress reliever.

The chicken cooked for 30 minutes, and then sat under the broiler for another 5 minutes to make the bacon crispy. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the cream cheese did not, in fact, melt out of the rolled-up chicken breasts and go all over the place.

The verdict? Well, Fred said it was good and he’d never request it, but he’d eat it if it was put in front of him and wouldn’t complain.

The first bite I took, I thought “Hey, this is pretty good.” That lasted until about 1/3 of the way through the piece of chicken, and then it was suddenly gross. I didn’t really care for the cream cheese and green onion stuffing, I guess. Something about that, combined with the chicken was not appealing. I think that if it had been stuffed with something different it would have been good, but the way it was… ugh. No. I won’t be making it again.

***************************************

Have a recipe you want us to make? Check out our new page (there’s also a link to that page up there under the banner) and follow the instructions to submit a recipe for us to consider making!

***************************************

Nance’s take:

This is a picture of Felina Marie and Sadie Mae. AKA: The most hopeful dogs in the world. They love trying new DCEP recipes, but they have been put on a grain-free diet so our last few recipes have just made them sad. If you look closely at Felina (especially the eye to your right), you can see why I call her a googley-eyed ugly dog. Marty Feldman doesn’t have shit on her!

This is a picture of me. Shirley has a new camera and I was being a smart-ass, showing her how to take selfies and what you do if you’re a fat chick that wants to look thin (hold the camera up in the air and aim down). While I was making this chicken. Except I guess I don’t know how to do it right because I lost an eye. The reason I included these two pictures is so you can see that there was some messed up shit going on in this house. Poor deprived dogs. And a dummy that can’t fit her huge goddamn face into a camera frame. Things are not looking good around here. Not at all. And we won’t even mention how it looks like I broke my nose as a child. Or the fact that my real mother’s name was probably Barbra. Barbra Streisand.

This was supposed to be our dinner Friday night. Rick brought the chicken up from the freezer the night before and it thawed in the refrigerator over night. I could have shit when I got a good look at it. Freezer burn. What the fuck.

This was the only piece of meat that wasn’t entirely ruined (although we did have to cut a bit of it off). We put our meats, etc., in name-brand freezer bags in order to not waste food. This was an issue for a while now, but I had been on the fence about buying one of those fancypants FoodSaver™ (damn right that’s an affiliate link) things because of the cost of the bags.

You know what else is expensive? Meat (and any other food) that you’re throwing away. So yeah, I’m using my FoodSaver™ exclusively now. Those name-brand bags can be used in the canister that I keep by my sink for food scraps. Please note the pro-tip: God forbid, you might have to walk 3 feet to the garbage can with potato peels in your hands!

Okay, okay. I’ll get back to the topic at hand which is the making of this god-forsaken recipe that I picked and how I regretted it from the minute I actually took five seconds to read it. I have got to STOP just glancing at the recipes that I pick for this site! I honestly saw the pretty picture with the words bacon and chicken, figured that would make the family happy and went with it.

I had no green onions and there was a brouhaha in this house over whether or not chives are nothing more than dried green onions. It seems that Rick’s grandfather (who is a saint) told him this and homeboy was not backing down from that argument…even when google gave me ALL OF THE INTERNET to prove that he was wrong!

Them fools be fightin’ over chives and shit.

I still went with chives because there was no way I was running back into town for green onions in order to make ONE slightly freezer burned chicken breast with cream cheese and bacon.

You beat the meat, slather the cream cheese mixed with green onions (or chives, nobody really gives a shit) all over it, roll it up in partially cooked bacon and bake the hell out of it. And then when you’re done baking the hell out of it, you’re supposed to turn on your broiler and burn your damn bacon until it’s ash. Voila!

Rick and my mom tried it because they’re game for eating anything. Rick said it tasted like baked cream cheese. It was not a winner with him even with bacon. My mom liked it, but hey, she’s older and you know those taste buds are shot to shit.

This recipe was fairly simple to make, but so is a toasted cheese sandwich…stick with making one of those and you’ll be better off. And yes, the dogs did get some of the freezer burned meat after we cooked it for them. They didn’t mind it all. Go figure.

Bacon Wrapped, Cream Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breasts - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

15 mins

Cook time

35 mins

Total time

50 mins

: Entree

Cuisine: Trinidadian (but not Tobagonian)

Serves: 1

Ingredients

For each serving:
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast
1 T green onion, chopped
2 T cream cheese
2 pieces of bacon, partially cooked

Instructions

Partially cook your bacon - you can fry it in a pan, but it's easier to bake it in the oven, 8 - 10 minutes at 450ºF.
Pound your chicken breasts until they are approximately ¼" thick (using a large zip-close bag contains all the chicken goop).
Mix the cream cheese and green onions, and spread across one side of the chicken breast.
Roll up the chicken breast around the cream cheese mixture.
Wrap bacon around the chicken breast. You can use a toothpick to help keep the bacon on, but just tucking the ends under the chicken works as well.
Place on a baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes at 375ºF.
Broil for 5 minutes to help make bacon crispy.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

****Comments now closed because spam sucks****

Creamy Pasta Salad – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on April 29, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Creamy Pasta Salad, found over at Simply Real moms. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post.

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was my choice. I don’t have a clue where I spotted it – most likely on Pinterest. With the weather finally kind of warming up, summer cookouts are on the horizon, and what’s better with grilled burgers and steaks than pasta salads that you can throw together in advance so that they’re ready and sitting in the fridge when it’s time to eat?

Your ingredients:

Mini pepperoni (you could use regular sized, but the minis are so CUTE!), shell pasta, frozen peas (thawed), carrots, broccoli (the original recipe called for a head of broccoli, chopped, but I opted for the easier way), and cheese sticks. Also, there’s a packet of ranch dressing mix. The original recipe called for ranch dressing and then said that the kind you make yourself, from the packet, is way better.

We’ll discuss ranch dressing in a bit.

Also, the recipe called for “shaped pasta.” As is my way, I wrote down the ingredients that I needed to buy at the grocery store, and then when I was actually AT the store, I was like “What the fuck is ‘shaped pasta’?” So I bought wagon wheel pasta (what? Wagon wheels are a SHAPE.) and then when I got home, I went to the site where I got the recipe from, and saw that she’d used shell pasta. So I made Fred stop on his way home from work and buy a box of shell pasta because I’m a stickler for stupid details like that, even though I’m sure the wagon wheel pasta would have been fine. Also, I now have a box of wagon wheel pasta in my cabinet. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that shit?

Put your pasta on to cook, and while it’s cooking, chop up your carrots. I opted to dice them by hand, cutting the carrots into coins and then cutting each coin into little squares, and hello. What a pain in the ass.

Next time, I’m just going to chop them up in the food processor.

I cut the broccoli florets into smaller pieces, then tossed them into the bowl with the carrots and peas.

This is where I predict that Nance is going to have a hissy about the peas, because although she and I never discuss the recipes beforehand (that would ruin the surprise aspect of it), she did say something along the lines of “Peas in a pasta salad? WTF?”

There are people, like my friend Liz, who takes the very existence of peas as a personal affront. I happen to LOVE PEAS WITH AN ABIDING PASSION and I would add them to everything. I think that if you want to make this pasta salad and don’t like peas, then perhaps you would leave them out. That goes for everything else in the recipe – if you don’t like it, leave it out. (Though if you hate peas AND broccoli AND carrots, you might want to skip the whole thing.)

I know, it’s a revolutionary idea. You heard it here first, folks.

Cut up your cheese sticks and add them to the bowl, too. I actually sliced my cheese sticks in fairly thin slices, but I’d advise cutting them in chunks rather than slices. Takes less time, and I’d rather have a chunk of cheese than a slice. But you can go with your own personal preference. I won’t tell anyone. Also, of note: the original recipe called for Monterey Jack cheese sticks. I looked in two different grocery stores, and there were NO Monterey Jack cheese sticks to be found, no matter how hard I looked. So I bought Colby Jack sticks instead, and that worked just fine. Cheese experts (and Amanda) will gasp and shake their heads when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway: cheese is cheese. I like most cheese, except for the kind that smells like feet. I’ll pass on that kind, thanks.

Once the pasta was done, I drained it, then laid it out on paper towels to drain further. THEN I pressed lightly on the pasta with a piece of paper towel in an attempt to get it as dry as possible. In retrospect, that was going a bit overboard. I truly don’t think a little bit of water in the pasta salad would have hurt anything.

Toss the mini pepperoni and cheese chunks into the bowl…

Add the pasta….

Not shown: the part where I put the lid on the bowl and shook the bowl vigorously to combine everything. Also not shown: the part where I added the entire batch of Ranch dressing (which I made earlier in the day) and stirred it all together well.

The finished product:

The verdict? Fred said it was “okay”, but I was super surprised when he informed me that he just doesn’t care for pasta salads. Seriously, we’ve been married for almost 15 years, and I had no idea he was not a fan of pasta salads. Well, hmph to him, I say.

My verdict? Here is where we discuss Ranch dressing. I’ve been myself for 45 years. I KNOW I’ve had Ranch dressing multiple times in that 45 years. And yet it came clear to me only as I was eating my bowl of pasta salad that I do not like Ranch dressing.

Just not a fan.

Don’t like it.

Um. What? What kind of an idiot doesn’t KNOW that she doesn’t LIKE ranch dressing? Good god.

So while I like EVERYTHING in this pasta salad EXCEPT the Ranch dressing, the Ranch dressing coats everything, and thus I only ate one small bowl of it, and the chickens got the rest. They liked it a LOT. Apparently THEY like Ranch dressing.

I’m such an idiot.

I’m very much up for trying a different kind of dressing if you guys have any suggestions. (Also, I think this would be good with the addition of chopped up zucchini, which I will try this summer.)

Sincerely,

Robyn the Dumbass.

Come join us on Facebook!

***************************************

Nance’s take:

I’m thinking that I’m just going to start my entries with the following…

Nance’s excuse as to why her entry is late this time: My friend, Regan, came over for a visit on Saturday. I hadn’t seen her in a while so we had some serious catching up to do (translation: yapyapyapyapyap!). I probably crawled into bed around 3:45 am. Yup. AM. I don’t know about yunz, but my almost 48-year-old body was fucked come Sunday. Just fucked. I tried to sleep-in, but my body is an idiot that likes to wake up as if I have The Milking to do. I tried to take a nap and my body only allowed for one hour (Boo me!). I finally got on a roll with this pasta salad, but my brain let me down when something changed on my computer and I lost my freaking photos. They were lost and I was tired and fuck me…time to write an email to Robyn. Again.

So I think we can safely say that this time it is all Regan’s fault. Hee!

Rick found the freaking pictures. I am stupid. This is pasta cooking. I’m pretty sure that everyone knows how to cook pasta and this is not the way that it’s done. Too small of a pan, too much pasta. Please feel free to snark about my mother. Shirley was all up in this recipe and she picked out the pan. Note: It is not her special stainless steel pan. God forbid that something should happen to it.

I love pasta salad. I really, really do! Meats, cheese and pasta. Yum! But man, you start throwing a bunch of vegetables in there and I start thinking it’s a trick diet food. If you ask me, I will tell you that I like broccoli. What I won’t tell you is that I only like broccoli when it’s smothered in cheese. Fresh broccoli? This is the first time in my life I have ever made anything with it. NO LIE. My uncle Chuck called my mother on Friday morning and asked her if we needed any broccoli because he had too much of it. My mother asked me if we wanted it and I was all, “OHHELLNO!” And then I remembered that I had to make this recipe so I made her call him back. Heh.

I had to use The Google to figure out what to do with this fresh broccoli business. After learning way too much about the different ways to cook broccoli I decided to blanche it.

Blanche (from Wikipedia): Blanching is a cooking process wherein the food substance, usually a vegetable or fruit, is plunged into boiling water, removed after a brief, timed interval, and finally plunged into iced water or placed under cold running water (shocked) to halt the cooking process.

I put them in for 1½ minutes. That thing I’m using is called a wok strainer (amazon affiliate link). Do we have a wok? Nope. I’m assuming I saw it in a store somewhere and decided I needed it. It gets used often even without a wok and it worked great here.

I was really excited about how pretty the color got, but was also afraid that they were going to really taste like vegetables with all that freaking green! Please note: I am using my mother’s special stainless steel pot here (entry about it over here). Hell may have frozen over on Sunday.

Me, drying the pasta off with a paper towel, while wondering why I thought doing a cooking blog would be fun. And seriously, DRYING OFF MY PASTA? WTF?

Cheese! I used cheddar and monterey jack. I have no cheese sticks in my house. I also did not buy special pepperoni. I took what I had in the freezer (slices) and quartered that shit. Truth: Shirley chunked the cheese and quartered the pepperoni. I just stood around looking fabulous while drying off that goddamned pasta.

LOOK AT HOW PRETTY!!!!

I had Ranch with Bacon so I used that instead of regular ranch dressing. No, I did not make homemade. Like I had time to do that with all the blanching I was doing? The blanching didn’t take that long and I think it made a world of difference. On the original recipe web site, a commenter wrote that she added 1/2 Ranch and 1/2 Italian dressing because it added a little zip. I decided to try that out.

My mom doesn’t like Italian dressing (I told you she was INSANE). It’s the main reason why she won’t eat pasta salads. I mixed the two dressings together and gently mixed the whole shebang up. Yes, Robyn. There are peas in there even if I hate them. I used to like them, but I had an incident involving a homemade pot pie and a heavy hand with peas and it was game over after that. I picked them out when I ate it. LIKE A BOSS.

My mother was going to my uncle Chuck’s house for dinner. She took this and they all loved it. Every single person in this house loved it, too! It wasn’t until later that I remembered that I completely forgot the carrots! But it was still great and, to be honest, it was just one less vegetable I would have picked out while I was eating it. But I would like to note that I ate the shit out of that broccoli though!

It’s a winner in this house, but I definitely noted the differences (the Italian dressing, Bacon Ranch and no carrots) before it went into the cookbook.

Felina wants everyone to know that she does not approve of these cat-loving shenanigans. And please excuse Nance’s photos because she was fighting hardcore with the copyright thingie and it blows. Send treats!
********

Creamy Pasta Salad - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

15 mins

Total time

15 mins

: Side Dish

Cuisine: Norwegian

Serves: 12

Ingredients

½ of a 16-ounce box of shell pasta (I used medium shells and would recommend those)
1 head of broccoli, chopped OR half a 12-ounce bag of broccoli florets (you might want to cut the broccoli florets even smaller than they are)
 1 cup frozen peas, thawed
½ of a 5-ounce pack mini pepperonis (regular pepperoni will work, too)
 8 Monterey Jack (or any kind, really. Whatever you have on hand works.) cheese sticks cut into chunks
 3 medium carrots, chopped
 Ranch dressing - make your own or use the prepared stuff from a bottle

Instructions

Cook your pasta according to the directions on the box; drain it. Let it cool, and then dump it onto a paper towel to drain further.
Put all the ingredients except Ranch dressing into a big bowl.
Add the Ranch dressing. Go with your own personal preferences as far as how much dressing to use. I used the whole batch (which I mixed up from the envelope) and it worked out pretty well.
Mix together well and serve (or chill until dinner time!)

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Velveeta Spicy Chicken Spaghetti – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on April 9, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Velveeta Spicy Chicken Spaghetti, found over at Key Ingredient. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post.

Robyn’s Take:

This week’s recipe was Nance’s choice, and as usual I just glanced at the title of the recipe before I okayed it. Then when it was time to gather my ingredients and make it, I took a closer look at the recipe, saw that it called for Velveeta (I know, you’d think the name of the recipe might have tipped me off to that), and I was all:

I don’t know that I’ve never used Velveeta before, but I don’t have a problem with it. HowEVER, the snob I live with is kind of a SNOB when it comes to “Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product”s. I originally wasn’t even going to tell him that it had Velveeta in it, but I hit a snag when I was at the grocery store. Wouldn’t you think Velveeta would be in the refrigerated cheese section? That’s where I expected to see it, but nay. It was nowhere to be found. Rather than ask a store employee where it was (I will generally just leave a grocery store instead of asking an employee for help, DO NOT JUDGE ME), I called Fred. Who was spectacularly unhelpful. I hung up the phone with his snobby “This recipe has VELVEETA in it?!” ringing in my ears and thought maybe, since it’s often used in queso dip (free surprise recipe for queso dip: melt Velveeta, mix in can of Ro-Tel, serve with tortilla chips), it might be in the chip aisle.

It was not in the chip aisle.

I was headed for the door, sailing on a wave of indignant FUCK ALL Y’ALL when I thought of one last place to look.

In the aisle where the pasta and spaghetti sauce are kept is where they keep the Velveeta. Near the pizza sauce. Near my beloved Kraft Old English Cheese (I love the SHIT out of Old English Cheese, spread on celery, and did I mention SHUT UP, YOU?)

The only other ingredients I didn’t already have at home was the can of Cream of Chicken soup, and chicken breasts.

YES. I USED STORE-BOUGHT CHICKEN.

YES. WE HAVE 7,000 CHICKENS OUT IN THE BACK FORTY.

It’s much like the cobbler’s children having no shoes, here in this house. Fred dislikes processing the chickens and I sure as shit am not going to do that, so when he does process them he processes a LOT of them. So I thought we had chicken in the freezer and didn’t realize we’d used up the rest of it, so it was kind of an emergency. Is what I’m saying.

Would you believe that there was NOT ONE CAN of Cream of Chicken soup in the soup aisle? Maybe someone somewhere had bought them all. Luckily, since the recipe calls for mushrooms anyway, I just opted to use Cream of Mushroom soup instead.

ANYway. Let’s get on with this, shall we?

Your ingredients:

Velveeta, cubed. Chicken, cut in chunks. Milk, a can of Ro-Tel, Cream of Mushroom soup, can of mushrooms. Also, angel hair pasta. The original recipe called for spaghetti, but I buy the big packs of angel hair at Sam’s, and I don’t think it makes a difference whether you use spaghetti or angel hair.

Cook your pasta.

Drain your pasta.

While the pasta is cooking, start cooking your chicken. Heat your skillet over med-high heat, spray it with cooking spray, and add the chicken. Cook, stirring, until it’s cooked through. Your mileage may vary; it took my chicken about 7 minutes to cook.

Add everything except your cooked pasta to the skillet with the chicken.

Stir everything together until the Velveeta is melted and everything is heated through.

Stir all THAT together with your cooked pasta. I used the pot I’d cooked the pasta in, so that I had room to combine it well.

Pour it into a greased 9×13 baking dish.

Bake it for 35 – 40 minutes.

Eat.

HEY LOOK, GUYS. I STILL CAN’T TAKE A DECENT FOOD PIC.

It was my plan, before we had this for dinner, that we’d eat it for dinner once, and then Fred would take the leftovers to work for lunch. I didn’t expect to HATE it, but I also didn’t expect that I’d want to eat it more than once.

I was mistaken.

Damn, it was GOOD. We ended up eating every last bit of this stuff for dinner. Even Fred, the Velveeta snob, thought it was awesome.

It’s going into the recipe box, and I’ll definitely be making this again. Good choice, Nance!

****************************************

Nance’s Take:

Things you have to know…

1. It is all of my fault that we are late with this entry. I had one helluva weekend with an internet stranger staying here (gasp!), lots of yapping, phone calls and birthday gatherings. My plan was to complete my entry on Monday morning (I’m an early riser)…except Shirley (AKA: my mother) threw me off of my game by needing to go to the Emergency Room (she’s home now and doing better).

2. I had planned to make this dish on Friday evening (April 5th) and everything was ready when I was hit with the migraine from hell. My mother and Rick stepped in to save my ass (probably because they were hungry) while I hid under a blanket on the couch trying to survive the mother of all headaches. I’m not sure what triggers my occasional migraines, but those of you who get them on the regular have my heartfelt sympathy. Those fuckers are something else and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.

3. We skipped the mushrooms because Rick is allergic.

The biggest concern (discussed prior to the headache) was being able to cook the chicken without drying it out. Especially when it was going to be baked again. The women in this family are notorious for over-cooking meat, but we’re aware of it and getting a lot better. I would also like to note that Shirley is using her stainless steel pan to do this chicken. We got her the set at Christmas and it’s become an issue about whether or not we are allowed to use it. Shirley loves it and is afraid we’re going to mess it up. Hmph. Some people have no faith in my cooking abilities.

Rick took this picture. Obviously Shirley dressed for the occasion because she’s wearing her special sweatshirt and not the tube-top. Do you guys break your spaghetti or are we just weird? I don’t think I have ever had “long” spaghetti. I don’t order spaghetti in restaurants where I assume they leave it long because I never order things that I can make at home. Yeah, I take dining out pretty seriously. And also, since Shirley is now laid-up and under my control, I think it’s time for some beauty-girlie stuff to go on. Maybe some nail polish? Lotion? Pedicures. Yup. We’re gonna go nuts. All in the name of proving to the world that it can’t always be about tube-tops and sweat pants. Anybody want to place bets on how far I can get with the glamorizing? Just wait until I put Gram in a green mud mask. It’ll be fun. Maybe I’ll take pictures and make it an entry for here. How To Cook Up A Lady. Whee!

I’m pretty sure I’m going to get killed.

Oh, hello poor people. Yup, these are not name brand items. I am broke. Blame it on the vet bills.

The recipe didn’t really say how to cut up the Velveeta (HOLY HEART ATTACK, BATMAN) so Shirley went with cubes. I think. I see some rectangles in there so now I’m not sure. Whatever. Pro Tip: Just cut it up so it won’t take all day to melt. You’re welcome.

Action shot? I’m assuming due to the blur. I know my mom was loving the fact that it all got thrown in a pot because that means it’s easy. She likes that kind of shit.

After all that goddamn processed cheese melts down you toss in the pre-cooked spaghetti.

And then you mix it all together with the world’s oldest beat-up white trash looking spaghetti spoon (or whatever the hell they are called). We do have a really nice one, but nobody seems to use it. Apparently some of us are attached to things that came from the dollar store. Ahem. Ah, shit. I can’t say anything, I love that goddamn thing too. It bends where it’s suppose to and it works. But I am that type of woman that will pull out the other one if company comes. Like someone is going to be impressed with my nicer spaghetti spoon. Yes, I know that people who are judgemental assholes are the ones that worry the most about being judged. Hi, I’m that asshole.

After Shirley mixed it all up she poured it into a greased casserole dish while Rick attempted to take an avant garde photo. Jesus H. He thinks he’s a photographer and he sucks as bad as the rest of us. But at least we know better than to use weird angles.

This is what it looked like when it was done. Weird angle compliments of Rick (no shit). Shirley did put salt and pepper on it before she baked it. Full Disclosure cause that’s how we roll!

My mother and Rick LOVED IT. Raved about how great it was, blahblahblahblah. My uncle Chuck liked it enough to yap to my aunt Gin about it. I took one forkful and was over it. An entire box of Velveeta cheese for one freaking meal? HELL NO. I obviously didn’t read the recipe when I picked it. It’ll go in the recipe book because I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t put it in there. But there’s a pretty good chance that I’ll hide it so that this mess will never show up in our house again!

Velveeta Spicy Chicken Spaghetti - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

15 mins

Cook time

40 mins

Total time

55 mins

Original Source/Author: adapted from keyingredient.com

: entree

Cuisine: Contains pasta, so is obviously Italian

Serves: 6-8

Ingredients

12 oz spaghetti or angel hair, uncooked
1¼ lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into smallish chunks
16 oz Velveeta, cubed
1 - 10¾ oz can condensed cream of chicken OR cream of mushroom soup
1 - 10 oz can Ro-Tel (tomatoes and green chilies)
1 - 4 oz can (drained) sliced mushrooms
⅓ c. milk

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350ºF.
Cook spaghetti or angel hair as directed on package; drain.
Heat skillet over med-high heat. Spray with no-stick cooking spray.
Cook chicken until cooked through (5 - 7 minutes).
Add Velveeta, soup, Ro-Tel, mushrooms, and milk. Stir together until Velveeta is melted and mixture is heated through. Add pasta and stir until well combined.
Pour into a greased 9x13 baking dish.
Bake for 35 - 40 minutes at 350ºF.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

Cheese and Crackers – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Posted on March 31, 2013 by admin

Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe is a favorite of both Nance and I – and we each have our own version. Nance thinks hers is the best, but she’s obviously nuts because Robyn’s is the best. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post.

Robyn’s Take:

I don’t know where I found this recipe, but one thing is certain: I’ve changed it enough over time to make it ALL MINE. I should copyright it. Hell, I should get some sort of award for this easy, versatile, EASY, tasty, EASY EASY AND DID I MENTION EASY recipe. So I’m copyrighting it and I’m trademarking it and I’m attaching the baddest of the bad-ass kittens to it, so that if you DARE to serve it without giving credit to ME, this kitten will track you down and kick your ass.

“Motherfucker, I not messing. I fuck you UP. You see these claws?”

Do we understand each other? Yeah, yeah, TRY to act all nonchalant. You know you’re scared.

Okay, then. Moving on.

The ingredients:

That’s goddamn right: I got all FANCY BITCH on your ass. I got the NAME BRAND Ritz crackers, and if that wasn’t enough, I got the Cracker Barrel brand SUPER sharp white cheddar. But if you’re a cheap motherfucker (as I usually am; I just wanted to impress you this time around. Store brand shit for the next recipe, I promise.) you can go with the store brand crackers and cheese. Or if Ritzeseses are not your preferred cracker, use whatever cracker you prefer. Are you one of those Triscuit-loving hippies? Get you some Triscuits. Do I look like I care?

“That crazy bitch not care.”

So get your crackers. And your cheese. Open the box of crackers. Take out a sleeve of crackers, open the sleeve, and place your crackers on the serving plate of your choice. I’m just going with a simple Fiesta dinner plate here, because I was such a fancy bitch with the fancy crackers and cheese that I didn’t want you to think I was a TOTAL hoity-toit.

IMPORTANT: Place your crackers carefully on the plate, one by one. If a few of them don’t make it all the way to the plate because you’ve crammed them in your face, well, I’m not telling anyone.

ACTION SHOT: Crackers, being placed on plate!

You can use more than one plate, and you can use as many crackers as you have cheese for. It’s your party, not mine. But keep this in mind: I recommend AT LEAST seven crackers with cheese per person. It won’t be enough, everyone will wish they had more, but leave ’em wanting more is what I say.

Now. Remove your cheese from its wrapper. Cut cheese approximately 1/8″ – 1/4″ thick. This is a FORGIVING recipe and it’s – perhaps I mentioned? – EASY, so if you cut your cheese (snicker) a little too thick or too thin, it’s OKAY. The cops aren’t going to bust down your door and arrest you for cutting the cheese (snort) too thickly or too thinly. Cutting the cheese (titter) to your preferred thickness is one of your inalienable rights – it is IN THE CONSTITUTION right below the right to snorgle kitten bellies when they are presented to you –

“CAREFUL snorgleation must be performed or I MESS YOU UP.”

so GIRRRRRRL, you cut that damn cheese (chuckle) however you want.

Continue cutting the cheese (giggle) until you have one slice of cheese for each cracker.

NOW. This is VERY important. I was smart and thought ahead, and bought the cheese that’s the perfect height and width to fit upon my crackers. If you were dumb, and you bought the cheese that’s too tall, then you’re going to have to trim the cheese to fit your crackers. You’re on your own there, dummy. I GUESS NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK AHEAD.

Okay, once you have a slice of cheese for each cracker (important tip: if you have too many slices, eat the extra slices. If you don’t have enough, cut some more slices. I know, right? So obvious, and yet you never would have known if I hadn’t just told you! How the hell do you get dressed in the morning without me here to give you instructions?), place one – ONE – slice of cheese upon each cracker.

Like such:

And also:

I’m sorry, do you SEE how perfectly I did that? Have you ever seen such perfection in your entire life?

To recap: ONE slice of cheese PER CRACKER. Not HALF a slice per cracker. Not THREE slices per cracker. ONE.

Look, I know you’re blown away by this recipe. So simple and yet so complicated. You’re wondering to yourself, “HOW did she come up with this AMAZING recipe? BRILLIANT!” And yes, so brilliant. So simple. So complicated. I am a genius.

I know you’re probably also saying to yourself “Cheese on crackers is such an AMAZING taste sensation. I wonder if I could improve upon it?”

You cannot. You might be TEMPTED to. If you are MY HUSBAND, you’re probably already thinking wildly about ways to improve upon this recipe. “I’ll add slices of pepperoni! I’ll add a sprinkle of onion! Garlic powder! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER.”

RESIST. Because unless you follow this recipe exactly as instructed, it is JUST WRONG, and I will send out The Enforcer to take care of you, post-haste.

“You: dead meat.”

Also, if you’ve made your cheese and crackers, you might be tempted to start eating them immediately. You are HUNGRY, and making this delicious delicacy was ARDUOUS, but nay. Eating has to wait: first, you’ve got to clean up your mess.

Scrunch the end of the cracker wrapper together. You could even tie a twist tie around if you want to, but let’s not get crazy.

Put the partial sleeve of crackers back in the box.

And then put the box away.

For the cheese, a sandwich bag will do. Plastic wrap would work as well, but let’s not get all crazy up in this kitchen. Make sure you label the cheese so that you know exactly what you’ve got. Put it in the cheese drawer of the fridge so that you can make this wonderful and amazing recipe again, the sooner the better.

Now take your plate of cheese and crackers, sit down, and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You deserve it!

And remember: You follow this recipe exactly, it’ll be an instant favorite. Everyone will request the DCEP Crackers and Cheese at EVERY gathering. But if you deviate from the recipe even one tiny little iota…

“De Enforcer will mess you up for reals, motherfuckers.”

****************************************

Cheese and Crackers - Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Prep time

3 mins

Total time

3 mins

Original Source/Author: Robyn & Nance

: Appetizer, hors d'oeuvre

Cuisine: French?

Serves: 75

Ingredients

Crackers (I prefer Ritz; you use whatever you want)
Cheese (I like sharp cheddar. Go with what you prefer, weirdo.)

Instructions

Cut cheese. Put on cracker. Eat.
Happy April 1st, Fools.

Wordpress Recipe Plugin by EasyRecipe

DCEP

Full of fresh-picked profanity

Author Archives: admin

Sex in a Pan – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Sweet Baby Ray’s Crockpot Chicken – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Mrs. Dooley’s Cookies – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Red Lobster® Cheese Biscuits in a Loaf Pan – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Edna Mae’s Sour Cream Pancakes – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Honey Bun Coffee Cake – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Bacon Wrapped, Cream Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breasts – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Creamy Pasta Salad – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Velveeta Spicy Chicken Spaghetti – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe

Cheese and Crackers – Nance and Robyn make the same recipe