Every week we’ll post a recipe that we both made. This week’s recipe was Sex in a Pan. Printable recipe can be found at the bottom of this post. The original recipe can be found over at Jo Cooks.
This week’s recipe was my choice. I can’t swear to it, but I think that my friend Katherine sent it to me at some point in the past, and I made a mental note to give it a try. I like pudding! I like Cool Whip! And pecans!
But before we get started, I have a truth for you – I knew going into this that there’s just no way on Earth that ANY food is better than sex. I mean, come on. If you really think that ANY food is like “sex in a pan,” then I am sad to inform you that you’re doin’ it wrong.
You’ll have to pardon the shitty pictures this week. I mean, shittier than usual pictures. I was feeling a tad scattered and disorganized, and I just wanted to get this stuff thrown together and get it over with. Which, honestly, is how I usually feel when it comes to cooking anything at all – get that shit made, so I can start stuffing it in my face.
Ingredients include flour, sugar, powdered sugar, cream cheese, Cool Whip, butter, chopped pecans, chocolate and vanilla pudding mixes, and milk to mix them with. Did I forget anything? I think that’s it. Don’t make me go look at the recipe, y’all. I’m too lazy for that shit.
First step, throw your pecans, butter, sugar, and flour into a mixer and mix it together.
The recipe didn’t state that the butter should be softened, so I didn’t bother. I think this step would have been a whole lot easier if the butter HAD been softened, so I’m telling you: soften your butter, unless you want to stand over your mixer and tell your stupid, refusing-to-combine butter that it’s an asshole.
(I’ve been telling many inanimate objects that they are assholes lately. It makes me feel better. This computer I’m typing to you on? I tell it 30 times a day that it’s an asshole. FUCKING computers, man. “Oh, let me SUDDENLY, for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, start moving slow as molasses, requiring 73 reboots in 30 minutes. THAT’ll be fun. Watch her face when she clicks on something and it takes FOREVER for the program to start up. LISTEN to the obscenities. This is the life, man! Hey, what’s she doing with that sledgehammer?”)
(Confession: I’ve never hit my computer with a sledgehammer, but I am VERY OFTEN tempted to do so. FUCKING computers.)
When your pecans, etc, are combined, spray cooking spray in a 9×13 baking pan, and press the pecan mixture in the bottom of the pan. I started out using a big spoon, told the big spoon that it was an asshole, and just used my hands. FUCKING big spoons, man.
While your crust is baking, make your vanilla and chocolate puddings (in separate bowls, of course), and put the bowls in the fridge. (For firmer pudding, use 2 cups of milk. For less firm pudding, 3 cups. I split the difference and used 2 1/2 cups.) After it cooks, your crust has to cool before you can put anything on it, but if you’ve got all your shit ready to go, you can just slap it together quickly.
Then make your cream cheese layer. Cream cheese, powdered sugar, and Cool Whip or whipped cream. Put it in a mixer and mix it. Life would have been easier if the cream cheese was softened.
When your crust is done cooking, let it cool. I think it was a couple of hours before I decided the crust was completely cool. Nothing is more boring and frustrating than waiting for a crust to cool. Crusts are assholes, man.
When the crust is cool, spread the cream cheese mixture over the top of it.
Spread the chocolate pudding over that, and then the vanilla pudding over that.
“Wait. Chocolate pudding? I can’t HAVE chocolate! What the hell? Lady, YOU are an ASSHOLE.”
Then you top THAT with 2 cups of Cool Whip. Because my life is LIKE IT IS (full of assholes), the Cool Whip was frozen in the middle. Frozen Cool Whip doesn’t spread, so to make a layer that would stretch the length of the pan, I had to use all the Cool Whip left in the bowl – I think it was probably about 3 cups.
FUCKING Cool Whip. That shit is made of nothing but chemicals, I don’t know WHO they think they’re kidding by keeping it in the freezer as though to keep it FRESH. That stuff could sit out on the counter for 30 years and still taste exactly the same. When a nuclear bomb has come and wiped us all out of existence, there’ll be nothing left but cockroaches, Kim Kardashian, all those Jolie-Pitt kids, and Cool Whip.
I made Fred grate the chocolate to sprinkle on top of the Cool Whip because that’s the kind of bossy bitch I am.
We chilled it for a couple of hours, and then gave it a try.
The verdict? Meh. I honestly was not really a fan. Neither was Fred. Which isn’t to say that we didn’t eat it – it was the only sweet thing in the house (besides me, HA HA), so we ate the hell out of it. If I were going to make it again (I’m not), I’d use real whipped cream instead of Cool Whip. But I ain’t making it again. This recipe’s going straight into the trash.
Sex in a Pan? Puh-lease. I’d call this Drunken Handjob in the Back of a Taxi Right Before Someone Barfs On Your Face. Catchy, ain’t it? Truth in recipe titles is important.
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Those of you who know me from my online journal/blog know that over the years I have shared a shit-ton of personal information regarding almost everything in my life. Except for one thing. I do not, nor will I ever, discuss my sex life online. But now this damn recipe is going to force people to have a vague notion of my sex life just because of one sentence that I feel absolutely must be written.
If you think that there is any food or recipe out there that is better than sex, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
Now go wash your brains out with bleach so we can carry on, okay? Good.
I had to make a change to the crust because I didn’t have any pecans. I grabbed walnuts from the freezer and just used those instead. I also used this new chopper because I thought it would be easier than messing with the electric mini chopper. Guess what? It’s not. In fact, it’s a huge pain in the ass. One hand operation, my ass. And it’s a bitch to clean. The electric mini chopper? Piece of cake to clean and has always been easy to use. Lesson learned: I should stick with what I know.
While I was taking pictures I decided to use my old “professional” photography lights. Another lesson learned: You can have all the fancy equipment in the world and it won’t make a difference if you have no idea how to use it. I apologize in advance for the yellow photos. This is butter in a bowl. I’m pretty sure that you recognize it, but maybe some of you who confuse easily (Robyn) might not.
I ended up having to mix it with a pastry cutter to get everything to stick together.
I have a confession to make: I hate/loathe making pudding. It’s such a pain in the ass with the using up of all your milk, mixing, etc. that I hate even bothering since you get so little back for the use of your time. I just needed y’all to know that I was already hating by the time I opened up those boxes of pudding.
Keepin’ it really real. Those are foam boards to help with the pictures. I think my problem is all of the stainless steel combined with bad kitchen lighting, but I refuse to rip out my stainless steel counter for DCEP. I bet Amanda would, though. She probably has butcher block countertops in her mansion. Someday I’ll show you that the right front leg of this counter has sisal rope wrapped around it for our cats. I bet Amanda is just seething with jealousy right now!
I also ditched the pro (ahem) lighting. As you can see, it was a smart move on my part.
Man, I love me some cream cheese mixed up like this (but still don’t think it’s better than sex).
Action shot! And one where I’m standing in my own light. I am not ashamed to tell you that this mixer came from the thrift store. For the longest time I had a KitchenAid hand mixer because I had a KitchenAid stand mixer and wrongly assumed that all KitchenAid mixers are of the same quality. Uh, no. I suffered for years with that piece of shit hand mixer! One day I was at the thrift store and found a hand mixer made by General Electric for $4.99 so I bought it to see if it would work better. Guess what? That bitch destroys! And no lie, I cannot find it on Amazon so I’m guessing that maybe they stopped making them. Which makes me think that it might have been recalled and will blow up in my face or some shit. Don’t care, love my new thrift store mixer!
Are you bored with this yet? I can tell you that Julie certainly was. For some reason my cats are not impressed with pudding. Go figure. Is she judging me? WTF, Julie? You’re the one that is blurry and out of focus, bitch.
I should have stopped right here and ate this. Because faux-cheesecake is better than no cheesecake at all!
Another action shot. Boring.
I am pissed. Another reason I don’t bother with pudding.
I used the minimum amount of milk in order to make the pudding firmer because that’s what the recipe said. Yup. At this point I am pretty much beyond pissed off because it just looks like a goddamn mess.
I gave up when the chocolate pudding wasn’t firm enough and started changing the color of my freaking whip cream.
After sitting in the refrigerator overnight.
Felina helped me out with this recipe. Yes, I know dogs aren’t supposed to have chocolate. Trust me, she quit after this initial lick. Color Felina not impressed.
Okay, here’s the deal. It’s pudding. Pudding and whipped cream with a little bit of cream cheese. Now, had they taken away the pudding and put some strawberries in that bitch with jello, I would have been all up in it. But this? It’s puddin’. Around here, if someone is nice enough, but has absolutely no personality…we call them puddin’. Seriously. My husband taught me this years ago. He said, “Nobody expects much from pudding…it’s just there.” We all know some people who could be called puddin’. Think about it. Heh.
This recipe wasn’t worth the ink and paper I wasted to print it. Straight to the garbage can!
PS: Shirley SKIMMED the entry from last week and totally didn’t see when I called her out as a thief. Apparently her stupid Facebook Scrabble game is more important than her daughter. Hmph! She did laugh when I told her what I had done. I guess when you’re 72 you stop caring about what people think (including your own daughter). Imagine if she could type. Yikes!
- 1 c. chopped pecans
- 3 T sugar
- ½ c. butter, softened
- 1 c. flour
- Cream Cheese Layer:
- 8 oz cream cheese, softened
- 1 c. powdered sugar
- 1 c. Cool Whip or whipped cream
- 1 5.1 oz pkg instant vanilla pudding
- 1 5.1 oz pkg instant chocolate pudding
- 6 cups milk
- Top layer:
- 2 cups whipped cream or cool whip
- shaved/grated chocolate
- Preheat oven to 350ºF.
- In a mixer, mix chopped pecans, sugar, softened butter, and flour together until well combined. Press into the bottom of a (sprayed with cooking spray) 9x13" baking pan. Bake for 20 minutes.
- While the crust is baking, make your pudding. In separate bowls, prepare the chocolate and vanilla puddings, following directions on the package. (For a firmer pudding use 2 cups of milk; for a looser pudding use 3 cups of milk.) Keep the bowls in the refrigerator until needed.
- Prepare cream cheese layer: put cream cheese, powdered sugar, and Cool Whip or whipped cream in a bowl. Mix until well blended and fluffy. Keep bowl in the refrigerator until needed.
- When the crust is done, let it cool completely.
- On cooled crust, spread cream cheese mixture. Top that with chocolate pudding, and top that with vanilla pudding. On the very top, spread 2 (or more) cups of Cool Whip or whipped cream. Sprinkle with shaved or grated chocolate.
- Chill for a couple of hours before serving.